After starting a business building websites I initially got even better, even more consistent with my posting. Then Things got even worse with my now old roommate, and it made posting more difficult. I got away from that roommate by staying on a friends couch, it is nice. I like the place and I hope it continues working out. But I feel like I’m homeless and it is mostly relevant because there is no Internet at her house and where I am financially I can’t afford it. A friend gave me a laptop so I could go to coffee shops, bars, restaurants and the public library. It helped for a short time in early July but I spent weeks getting set up for web development and blogging when I got it ready it worked for a week then quit working setting me back nearly three weeks. With no decent computer or internet I’m left with the two public libraries in town, which are restrictive and don’t allow me to install software. Working exclusively in the library is nice because it forces me to get out and be more active and I interact with more people and occasionally get to run into friends or acquaintances. Though it has been hard I think I’m figuring it out and will begin posting again. But I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with my internship, moving, starting a business, writing, belly dancing volunteering at a local non-profit bike shop, making clothes and still filling out job applications none of which have done anything for me financially.
When I get overwhelmed I have the tendency to avoid what is making me feel overwhelmed. A few weeks I posted about throwing away your todo list and I do believe that is something to do when severely overwhelmed however it should only be done for a short period and in a way that will quickly get you back to what you were doing. I’m being pulled in a dozen directions and when I feel that way I have the tendency to find something new to do. Something that really doesn’t even help me with what I need to do. I begin a project that I had been thinking about for a long time or I sometimes start a whole new hobby. It’s always something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think, I need to stop procrastinating on this so.. I’m going to begin blah___. I’m flat broke and spent the weekend at an arts fair trying to sell some stuff I’ve made as a hobby. I’m going to return next year, and another event later this year but am greatly discouraged because I sold nothing. I thought about it and am going to use this failure to modify my hobby, my products to a more specific area, one where I am doing more of the work instead of just assembling some dresses. But that is my point, my problem. I’ve owned a sewing machine before, it broke I threw it away and until a few months ago haven’t sewed a thing. In the last few weeks I’ve spent my time making dresses to sell at the art fair. I also nearly two months ago changed the scope of a business I started two and a half years ago, so I’ve been working hard, often until 2 or even 3 am building websites so far none of which I’m going to get paid for. All the while not writing. At least not nearly as much as I had committed my self to doing. I’m insecure and was getting more and more people reading my blog I see these opportunities and drop what I was working on. I have several started posts I’m going to post this week. But I’m still dealing with my roommate, for which I feel like a failure on. How can I write about you having confidence in yourself and escape situations that cross the border of domestic abuse when I can’t do it myself. I currently have about six major things going some are potential money makers. One is I need to move. I need to remind myself that even if I find at the end of the week I didn’t even see it pass by, I am able to get this done. Is this post just an attempt at avoiding the move? I choose to see it as motivation to move forward with it.
Feeling overwhelmed is not pleasant. I just spent 30 minutes ranting into this post about how overwhelmed I am. That’s not something to publish but it helped to bring a little perspective to the situation….. Writing like that is one of my favorite things to help me over come my that feeling. I also usually go online look for a good quote like: “Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keep you very busy doing nothing.” Some times I write my own poetry:
Only time for one
so none get done
There are a lot of ways to get over being overwhelmed and it is surprising how often doing something not on you todo list is a cure. Sometimes that is not an option. What do you do then, I take the most insignificant thing, complete it. Then I have results I can point to for motivation for the next. Take one thing at a time and whatever you do stick to a single task. If you have any ideas leave them in the comments , I’d love to hear it.
I’m now working on a more specific definition of what I’m going to be writing about on here, The specifics are actually to increase the ease of finding things to write about. To be able to find sources of things to write about to give a greater credibility to my writing… Although a lot of what I’m writing is specifically to just be about what I have learned over the years and how I and others can implement it. So though I am working on a part 2 of the methods post of the other day. I hope to use it to also clarify my intentions. I also finally made a schedule for my events and what I”m going to be doing for work. The schedule does not yet include specifics on a time frame for posts on my blogs but it is a commitment to working on posts 5 days per week.
I have struggled to become a more social person and that requires me to be a impulsive person. A person who can more easily take things as they come. Someone who more easily watches things happen instead of being someone who needs to be in the middle. This has come from the past number of years, where I was the opposite. After I came out of my deep period of seclusion I wanted to take part in everything. I need to be in the middle of whatever I could volunteer for. And I volunteered for everything. The problem was that I was at a place in my life where I could hardly hold my own life together, let alone follow through on the things I had said I would.
There are three major things in my life that really changed the way I followed through on things, because most of my life if I said I would do it, I did. 1. I volunteered to go to Iraq and volunteered for a second back to back tour. 2. I volunteered to be the durable power of attorney for my grandmother. 3. I volunteered to be the personal representative for my biological father’s estate. It’s not that I regret doing these things. It’s that people, people I trust told me not to do them. Remembering the phrase about taking the harder road, I went against these people. I did okay in Iraq, made a few bad decisions with my grandma and finishing my fathers estate was like pulling teeth and the lawyer was the dentist with-out Novocaine.
The power of attorney for my grandma and my fathers estate overlapped. I entered into a very deep depression. I isolated myself from everybody. When I began to emerge or wake up as I like to think of it I found a few groups that excepted me and so I began to volunteer for things to get me out. To meet people. It went okay for a while, but then it just got really bad. I ended up not following through on anything. There were a few years, I would begin something and then just disappear. Like my blogs, Mary Kay and many other things. I’d start something work on it for a while and then disappear. A little over two years ago I decided to stop, and I did. Kind of. I don’t want to drop the ball anymore and when I say I will do something I want to follow through. The best way to do that is to not say I’m going to do anything. To live completely in the moment. To live impulsively rather than planning out what I will do for the weeks ahead. This is why I had a hard time my last few semester in school. Taking class requires a person to be able to plan ahead and it is also why I can’t budget my money.
Now, I’ve learned a lot about socializing. Volunteering is only a small piece of that puzzle. I’ve wanted to start doing things again for other people. So I need to find ways of following through on my commitments. But this is a hard thing for me to get back to after a decade of me avoiding responsibility. A year ago I was asked to be on a mission comity, I’ve gone to a few meetings, but I’m scared of taking on anything. This blog, work and Bikurup are the only things that I’ve not given up on and there were a few times I was ready to give up writing for a career. It has just kept coming back to me. Thankfully. However this time is only due to me being unemployed for a long time. I didn’t want to write because it was heartbreaking when I felt the need to give it up last time and I don’t want to experience that again. But I’m at the point now that I need it back in my life. I need other things back in my life. My impulsiveness needs room for a bit of commitment.
I have a friend. She is always busy, she works full-time, plays multiple instruments, has a social life to be envied and still has time to look for and regularly apply for her dream job. I don’t know how she does it and when I’m with her she usually pulls me along in such a way that I forget to ask until I’m home alone and worried about whether that job is going to call me back, oh yeah she also started sending me job posting to help me look…
Part of my problem is that I subscribe to both Hulu and Netflix, so I spend an average of an hour or two a day watching stuff I frequently see a waste of time, but I can’t cut it out. The times I have my life gets so stressful I end up in a deep depression and can’t move from my bed except to take my dog outside, not for a walk, just outside because around the block is too hard. Another friend mentioned to me that he used to escape his stress in a similar way but he learned to manage it. I’ve research and experimented with the concept but never read or heard of something that really works.
How does one stay in the moment? How does one find the kind of motivation to do all those really great things? How does one learn to manage their stress vs escaping it? I would love to learn to play piano, I have keyboard and could learn but I get stuck on a series on Hulu and feel I can’t escape it because trying will lead to a deep depression and the giving up of everything.
I suck at it.
Okay, maybe everybody does, or everybody feels that way. I haven’t posted now in quite a while because ‘Im busy.’ I want to do this and I will. It is bothersome that tonight I spent five and a half hours on the computer putting together a package to send to amazon in the hopes of making some money. I’m sure I’ll make something but it is going to cost me quite a bit to get it there and then I have to sit and wait. I was supposed to be writing. Every forty five minutes I had to remind myself.
I got a class, that requires a fair amount of work; I’m looking for a job; painting my kitchen, have been for two weeks; writing a book; trying to maintain this blog; and there is a lot more, but every time I manage to check something off I end up adding several more to it.
A friend the other day told me she wishes she was that busy, my reply was ‘I don’t like it.’ I know that someday things are going to slow down and I’m going to wish for these days again but I don’t want to waste my todays, and part of not wasting today is doing what I truly want. What I want is writing not spending five hours gathering books from my house to put on amazon. com.
I guess it would be nice to have my rent paid, if everything sells.
Thanks for reading.