After starting a business building websites I initially got even better, even more consistent with my posting. Then Things got even worse with my now old roommate, and it made posting more difficult. I got away from that roommate by staying on a friends couch, it is nice. I like the place and I hope it continues working out. But I feel like I’m homeless and it is mostly relevant because there is no Internet at her house and where I am financially I can’t afford it. A friend gave me a laptop so I could go to coffee shops, bars, restaurants and the public library. It helped for a short time in early July but I spent weeks getting set up for web development and blogging when I got it ready it worked for a week then quit working setting me back nearly three weeks. With no decent computer or internet I’m left with the two public libraries in town, which are restrictive and don’t allow me to install software. Working exclusively in the library is nice because it forces me to get out and be more active and I interact with more people and occasionally get to run into friends or acquaintances. Though it has been hard I think I’m figuring it out and will begin posting again. But I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with my internship, moving, starting a business, writing, belly dancing volunteering at a local non-profit bike shop, making clothes and still filling out job applications none of which have done anything for me financially.
Tonight I spent a little time at the local eagles club. They have great specials and I know a few people who hang out there most weeks. Tonight there were a bunch not there but I went with another friend but it was a great time because I’ve only been there 3 times but I knew a large group. In my post about learning to socialize I said go to the coffee shops, and of coarse I am saying hangout in coffee shops, pubs, bars, wherever you can sit with just a glass of water and not get hassled to leave because your not spending money. I did drop a few dollars on 50 cent tacos for my friend and I plus a few beers a piece. but it is great running into people you know. Now there are several things that went into this exchange from tonight, a few people I know from college 5 years ago. the friend I went there with and wife, one from a new years party two years ago who hangs out all the time at a place I volunteer at at least once if not three times a week from which there were a few others there. I had a great time, talking about mutual hobbies / volunteer work over cheap tacos and beers. That is what socializing is all about bringing together several of the tools to combat loneliness, What a great realization. Especially after that week.
There is an internet meme that floats around every once in a while about how crying doesn’t mean you are not strong but instead it means how you have been strong for too long. I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve been in therapy for years to learn how to manage it. But I still struggle. Sometimes a lot. I’m on meds, but the meds only take the edge off. They are not like flipping a switch where suddenly hey I never feel depressed again. The years of therapy have given me tools to use to help to fight the depression, tools to keep me moving when I am depressed and but sometimes I still just need to separate myself from everybody and just hide for a bit.
So this post started because I’ve gone through another depressive state. it was a little over two weeks in length. I want to blame some specific stuff that may be talked about in another post but it didn’t matter that I have the tools that I have. I was tired of using them. I needed a break from the social life I’m building. So that is what I did. I got addicted to a TV show on crackle.com binged on it. spent too much time playing browser games and barely had the energy and time to follow through on a few job postings and interviews, some of which probably had to do with a horrible diet.
The other day I was with a friend who was approaching this stage herself, and it really struck me. I never would have thought of her as being somebody who needed to do that. She has always appeared to the be a person who could endlessly socialize. She later told me that it happens to her every once in awhile and she just needs to find a corner to hide in and paint her toe nails or read some poetry. She has been dealing with this a lot longer than I have and can recognize it better than I can so she appears to be able to curb it before it gets to the point of disappearing for a week.
It’s not that the knowledge doesn’t help it’s that this is another tool that needs to be thought about and used. A person, every person needs alone time. I suddenly don’t know why this feels like a new idea to me. I ques it is just the relationship between the ideas of I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’m just going to choose a few unhealthy activities to get me through. The problem for me is often the unhealthy activities I choose end up resulting in a deeper and longer lasting depressed period. So, I need to develop better or more controllable escapes, and possibly need to schedule them. Did something like this happen in may?
When I get overwhelmed I have the tendency to avoid what is making me feel overwhelmed. A few weeks I posted about throwing away your todo list and I do believe that is something to do when severely overwhelmed however it should only be done for a short period and in a way that will quickly get you back to what you were doing. I’m being pulled in a dozen directions and when I feel that way I have the tendency to find something new to do. Something that really doesn’t even help me with what I need to do. I begin a project that I had been thinking about for a long time or I sometimes start a whole new hobby. It’s always something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think, I need to stop procrastinating on this so.. I’m going to begin blah___. I’m flat broke and spent the weekend at an arts fair trying to sell some stuff I’ve made as a hobby. I’m going to return next year, and another event later this year but am greatly discouraged because I sold nothing. I thought about it and am going to use this failure to modify my hobby, my products to a more specific area, one where I am doing more of the work instead of just assembling some dresses. But that is my point, my problem. I’ve owned a sewing machine before, it broke I threw it away and until a few months ago haven’t sewed a thing. In the last few weeks I’ve spent my time making dresses to sell at the art fair. I also nearly two months ago changed the scope of a business I started two and a half years ago, so I’ve been working hard, often until 2 or even 3 am building websites so far none of which I’m going to get paid for. All the while not writing. At least not nearly as much as I had committed my self to doing. I’m insecure and was getting more and more people reading my blog I see these opportunities and drop what I was working on. I have several started posts I’m going to post this week. But I’m still dealing with my roommate, for which I feel like a failure on. How can I write about you having confidence in yourself and escape situations that cross the border of domestic abuse when I can’t do it myself. I currently have about six major things going some are potential money makers. One is I need to move. I need to remind myself that even if I find at the end of the week I didn’t even see it pass by, I am able to get this done. Is this post just an attempt at avoiding the move? I choose to see it as motivation to move forward with it.
Feeling overwhelmed is not pleasant. I just spent 30 minutes ranting into this post about how overwhelmed I am. That’s not something to publish but it helped to bring a little perspective to the situation….. Writing like that is one of my favorite things to help me over come my that feeling. I also usually go online look for a good quote like: “Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keep you very busy doing nothing.” Some times I write my own poetry:
Only time for one
so none get done
There are a lot of ways to get over being overwhelmed and it is surprising how often doing something not on you todo list is a cure. Sometimes that is not an option. What do you do then, I take the most insignificant thing, complete it. Then I have results I can point to for motivation for the next. Take one thing at a time and whatever you do stick to a single task. If you have any ideas leave them in the comments , I’d love to hear it.
Last night I got drunk with friends. This morning I woke up thinking about that dance show case two weeks ago. There was a couple of line changes and one point that I was leading my formation (ATS is the improvisational style we practiced routines for.) There was a point where my routine was only slightly different than others. Some people have noticed the differences and I still can’t snake the feeling our instructor did it on purpose to make fun of me. Like she wanted to embarrass me in front of 240 people. And her crying after the dance was a cover up of laughing.
There are several ways to continue thinking about that. One I can choose to Ignore the feeling all together. Two give in to the thoughts let them consume me, quit dancing, move to a place I never have to see people from the audience again and never put myself out there again. Three acknowledge the possibility understand there is nothing I can do because it’s now in my past and carry on like nothing was wrong. There are others but I think these three are the basic. The middle one is the result of low confidence and has non gained.
Is what it comes down to is having the self confidence to realize if they are making fun of me,its because they like me. If its because the don’t like me it’s not my problem there are people who love me. But it’s the self confidence of knowing these people are my friends and they’re most likely not making fun of me which is possibly the hardest to except.
I’m now working on a more specific definition of what I’m going to be writing about on here, The specifics are actually to increase the ease of finding things to write about. To be able to find sources of things to write about to give a greater credibility to my writing… Although a lot of what I’m writing is specifically to just be about what I have learned over the years and how I and others can implement it. So though I am working on a part 2 of the methods post of the other day. I hope to use it to also clarify my intentions. I also finally made a schedule for my events and what I”m going to be doing for work. The schedule does not yet include specifics on a time frame for posts on my blogs but it is a commitment to working on posts 5 days per week.