I just logged in to my computer to check my email, and stumbled on to a blogger I’ve not read before. U Be Cute wrote a wonderful piece on making mistakes. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is not something to be avoided and how in fact it should be sought after. She mentioned how some of the people who have failed the most are considered to be extremely successful. She didn’t use the example of Disney or Warren Buffets famous story, but Walt went bankrupt multiple times trying to build a theme park and Warren Buffet wouldn’t let an employee who had lost millions of dollars quit.
I’ve been taking a dance class. Belly dancing and we’ve learned dances for a performance in two weeks. I am not a person who likes to make mistakes and it is hard because I know the dances but I’m always stepping with the wrong foot or crossing the wrong arm or one of a million other mistakes I’ve made in my year and a half of dancing. We are told to just go with the mistakes, the audience probably won’t even know you made it unless you draw attention to it. If you wince or change what move you are doing in the middle of it everybody will know. I always wince, close my eyes or almost trip trying to fix my feet.
U Be Cute said:
taking risks does not necessarily mean going bungee jumping or jumping into a pool of water snakes. It simply means stepping out of one’s comfort zone, and devising new ways of doing things rather than the “tried and tested” tasks, it involves making educated decisions with the awareness that all your efforts could come to naught.
And that statement rings so much with me because I resist change… I’ve went through several large transitions in my life; loosing my family, enlisting in the military, engineering school, English creative writing school, working as a nursing assistant for two years. I resist change to the point of holding on way too long, I should have stopped engineering sooner I would have been able to finish my degree without running out of financial aid. I can’t find a job, again. I’ve been unemployed for so long looking for the same kind of work and I’ve thought for months exactly what she wrote. What have I tried? What have the results been? How can I change what I’m trying, to get a different output? I haven’t figured it out yet, as if I ever will. But I see that it may require me to be the opposite her statement, I may need to bungee jump, to not think about it. Sometimes it is the only way. I just need to remember it “could come to naught.”
Expert from: To Err is Genius!.
I have struggled my entire life to socialize. At age 10, my youngest sister and I moved into a foster home together. A home in a small town on the border of North Dakota and Minnesota. All of my sibling moved away from our biological parents. But something different happened with me. I do not know what it was, but I never had to go outside and I spent my teen years locked away in the basement watching movies, playing video games and wishing I were more like the other people in my biological family. My family with the exception of my biological father were social. My siblings, my mother, my cousins everybody related to my mom’s side of the family were the social type. Whenever I spent time with them it seemed like they knew everybody in town. My foster-father was the same way and I wished I were like them. However, I was always awkward and couldn’t break out of the rut. I thought it was something people just understood.
In 2008, prior to my biological fathers death, the only time I spent with other people was in class or the library when working on a group project. I had alienated the few friends I had two years earlier and I did not want to die alone in my living room and it be over a week before somebody found me, as my biological father. While settling my father’s estate, I seemed to get worse and I decided to seek help in therapy. It has been a long and difficult journey but worth every minute.
I’ve learned a lot about meeting people, how to treat people and how to put myself out there I learned what I needed to accomplish in order to be that social person. Most importantly, how to be myself. The one I desired to be my entire life. However every time I learned how to implement a skill my entire life fell apart. Also, each time I had to read a book take a class or see somebody else’s transformation in order for me to understand what I was missing and begin working on a new skill. Each skill had to be learned multiple times. I had to learn in a way that allowed me to deal with whatever made my life fall apart because what I mean by fall apart is I would experience some emotional pain. The pain associated with discrimination, loosing my job or losing a family member and these things would cause me to close back in on myself cause me revert to the person I was. A person I can only describe as a hermit.
I tell you this not to discourage you but to instead encourage you. Do not give up. These collective skills are not something that can be learn in a weekend, a semester or they are not even something that can be learned in the classroom. A classroom, book or seminar can point out what is missing. What a person can change, but the skill is something to practice in everyday life. I have decided to share what I learned over the last six years: how to socialize, how to be a happier person, and how to live the life you want. Related and intertwined these things cannot exist without each other, but each need to be worked on individually.
In an earlier post, I mentioned I am working on a larger project. After nearly a month, I realized this project that started out as a simple description that a person can quickly read take something from and magically fix themselves, is not possible. The other day I started to change my scope. And have not even finished my outline but I need to begin to post because it just keeps growing. I can easily divide what I have into at least five posts. An outline I think will become a book. How often I will post I am not sure, but my goal is regularly and will start with that brief description I started attempting.
full of pain and hurt
sorrowful writing is all I’ve known.
but writing makes me happy
It gives me a purpose beyond today.
a worthy pursuit
does it exist.
A notebook by the bed
what to do with last weeks 2am obsession
file it with the others
should have gotten up.
hundreds lost on my old phone
too bad skipping work isn’t an option.
Kahlil says sorrow is a well carved into your soul
to be filled by joy, but even when overflowing
the feeling of drowning dominates.
must learn to stay afloat
as if should’s really exist.
I have struggled to become a more social person and that requires me to be a impulsive person. A person who can more easily take things as they come. Someone who more easily watches things happen instead of being someone who needs to be in the middle. This has come from the past number of years, where I was the opposite. After I came out of my deep period of seclusion I wanted to take part in everything. I need to be in the middle of whatever I could volunteer for. And I volunteered for everything. The problem was that I was at a place in my life where I could hardly hold my own life together, let alone follow through on the things I had said I would.
There are three major things in my life that really changed the way I followed through on things, because most of my life if I said I would do it, I did. 1. I volunteered to go to Iraq and volunteered for a second back to back tour. 2. I volunteered to be the durable power of attorney for my grandmother. 3. I volunteered to be the personal representative for my biological father’s estate. It’s not that I regret doing these things. It’s that people, people I trust told me not to do them. Remembering the phrase about taking the harder road, I went against these people. I did okay in Iraq, made a few bad decisions with my grandma and finishing my fathers estate was like pulling teeth and the lawyer was the dentist with-out Novocaine.
The power of attorney for my grandma and my fathers estate overlapped. I entered into a very deep depression. I isolated myself from everybody. When I began to emerge or wake up as I like to think of it I found a few groups that excepted me and so I began to volunteer for things to get me out. To meet people. It went okay for a while, but then it just got really bad. I ended up not following through on anything. There were a few years, I would begin something and then just disappear. Like my blogs, Mary Kay and many other things. I’d start something work on it for a while and then disappear. A little over two years ago I decided to stop, and I did. Kind of. I don’t want to drop the ball anymore and when I say I will do something I want to follow through. The best way to do that is to not say I’m going to do anything. To live completely in the moment. To live impulsively rather than planning out what I will do for the weeks ahead. This is why I had a hard time my last few semester in school. Taking class requires a person to be able to plan ahead and it is also why I can’t budget my money.
Now, I’ve learned a lot about socializing. Volunteering is only a small piece of that puzzle. I’ve wanted to start doing things again for other people. So I need to find ways of following through on my commitments. But this is a hard thing for me to get back to after a decade of me avoiding responsibility. A year ago I was asked to be on a mission comity, I’ve gone to a few meetings, but I’m scared of taking on anything. This blog, work and Bikurup are the only things that I’ve not given up on and there were a few times I was ready to give up writing for a career. It has just kept coming back to me. Thankfully. However this time is only due to me being unemployed for a long time. I didn’t want to write because it was heartbreaking when I felt the need to give it up last time and I don’t want to experience that again. But I’m at the point now that I need it back in my life. I need other things back in my life. My impulsiveness needs room for a bit of commitment.
I’m working on a schedule for my blog, I’m a little more concerned about the bikeurope because this one appears to be taking on more of a journal shape and I don’t have a specific goal for this one. My posts here have been more frequent of late. But they are more impulsive, something bothering me, so I write about it.
I got the idea of making a schedule from The Daily Post, the other day. Hopefully the schedule gets me on track and blogging consistently on Bikeurope.com. I have a lot of things coming up, in my life that is relevant to the blog and I should have a lot to talk about. I’m so worried though that I’m going to quit writing again when I get a job as I have done so many times in the past.
I’ve tried many things to keep my motivation, telling myself I get to do something special or that I can’t do something I typically do but that usually ends up being a disaster for me. So I need diligence to keep it up. stay strong and when life gets hard. Push through.
Today I have two Kahlil Gibran quotes:
Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream.
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
I completed my NAR certification a month ago. I’ve been looking for work since October. I’ve had only a few interviews. Received rejection letter after rejection letter. I don’t want to give up on it because when I work in this field I find myself to be a better person then when I am normally. But I don’t know if that is real. I am kept so busy at those times I don’t have time to reflect. What is real is that the periods of time when I make money writing and doing other odd jobs to supplement writing I’m a happier person. I’m not consistent at writing, often think I have horrible grammar and can’t hardly spell, but in reality it is what I really, really want to do. Nursing assistant was something I tried after being unemployed for six months a few years ago. I enjoyed it, and after life happened I chose it. The easy paycheck. Being a caregiver over the writing. I’ve done it a few time since then. I loose my jobs for what ever reason, I start to write. I get a job, something in my life gets in the way and I quit writing. Most of the time it is not even a time-consuming thing that gets in the way, just something the demoralizes me. The first one was HUGE. I tried so hard to stick with the writing but the stress just got to be too much and that kind of stress will probably happen again. Though it has gotten easier and easier for the stress to get to me and for me to give up on the writing. I allow myself the excuse that I have my whole life to write. What is it if I quit for a month here or two months there. It’s happiness.
If you choose between two evils, let your choice fall on the obvious rather than the hidden, even though the first appears greater than the second.