The life you really want

If you don’t make the time to work on creating the life you want, you’re eventually going to be forced to spend a LOT of time dealing with a life you DON’T want.  #KevinNgo

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When platitudes become useful.

I like quotes, check out my twitter, it’s the only writing I’ve been doing all month, hopefully in the future I can bring the blog and twitter together and post related topics but for now… I like quotes, and I like song lyrics, when I see something or I’m experiencing some kind of strife I like learning there is one other person who has similarly struggled. But they are not always helpful, some of them are old and cliché, others just express the wrong idea. But I’ve come to believe the ones that stand out or are useful are the ones that are grabbing at an idea in your subconscious. So why do some make me see red?

God will not give you more than you can handle.

Where everybody knows your name.

Tonight I spent a little time at the local eagles club. They have great specials and I know a few people who hang out there most weeks. Tonight there were a bunch not there but I went with another friend but it was a great time because I’ve only been there 3 times but I knew a large group. In my post about learning to socialize I said go to the coffee shops, and of coarse I am saying hangout in coffee shops, pubs, bars, wherever you can sit with just a glass of water and not get hassled to leave because your not spending money. I did drop a few dollars on 50 cent tacos for my friend and I plus a few beers a piece. but it is great running into people you know. Now there are several things that went into this exchange from tonight, a few people I know from college 5 years ago. the friend I went there with and wife, one from a new years party two years ago who hangs out all the time at a place I volunteer at at least once if not three times a week from which there were a few others there.  I had a great time, talking about mutual hobbies / volunteer work over cheap tacos and beers. That is what socializing is all about bringing together several of the tools to combat loneliness, What a great realization. Especially after that week.

Living Authentically

In 2008-2009 I made some pretty major life changing, life transitioning changes. I decided I was going to living my life for myself and no longer living the life people around me expected me to live. I discarded the life people believed I was supposed to live. Part of it was the understanding that it was their belief not mine. But most of it was just that I needed to break free. Shortly after moving forward I met the man that would become my sisters husband. He told me he liked me because “you’re real,” he said, “that some people can’t handle that and you need to remember that that’s their problem not yours.” I thought I was living authentically.

Before Easter when someone talked about living authentically I would have thought they were talking about living the life you have envisioned for yourself. Living a unique life one that is 100% your’s. The pastor at a church I regularly attend changed my perception of it. He talked about how Jesus’s raising from the dead was his way of proving who he was. It was him proving he was living authentically the whole time it was him showing the world he could follow through on his promises. Regardless of whether you are religious in anyway what needs to be extracted is the idea of following through no matter the cost.

I used to consider myself a reliable person. I used to follow through on everything. I was either upfront with an “I don’t know if I can do it” statement or I would add 30 % to the time I thought it would take and hope I got it done in time. Then I started to wane a little. I looked around at the people I worked with, I looked at my fellow students, I thought about TV and movie characters and realized I don’t actually need to follow through on everything. One night I was talking to my sister about how bad I felt about something I had not done. She yelled at me saying “how dare you think your better than us” I said I didn’t think I was, but she continued it was presumptuous to hold myself to a higher standard then others and even think I could follow through all the time. So foolishly listened and I stopped. I meant to only do it for a short time. To give myself a failure here and there, not that big of a deal. Except it got a little out of control.

I continued down the path of living my own life but still not following through on elements of that life. I backed out of really important things, in really bad ways, things that could have led to careers, good ones. Ones that I would enjoy more than anything I’ve done other than what I’ve been doing for the last two months.

 

There is a lot more to say about this, But I’m not sure what to add.

When all the knowledge doesn’t help.

There is an internet meme that floats around every once in a while about how crying doesn’t mean you are not strong but instead it means how you have been strong for too long. I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve been in therapy for years to learn how to manage it. But I still struggle. Sometimes a lot. I’m on meds, but the meds only take the edge off. They are not like flipping a switch where suddenly hey I never feel depressed again. The years of therapy have given me tools to use to help to fight the depression, tools to keep me moving when I am depressed and but sometimes I still just need to separate myself from everybody and just hide for a bit.

So this post started because I’ve gone through another depressive state. it was a little over two weeks in length. I want to blame some specific stuff that may be talked about in another post but it didn’t matter that I have the tools that I have. I was tired of using them. I needed a break from the social life I’m building. So that is what I did. I got addicted to a TV show on crackle.com binged on it. spent too much time playing browser games and barely had the energy and time to follow through on a few job postings and interviews, some of which probably had to do with a horrible diet.

The other day I was with a friend who was approaching this stage herself, and it really struck me. I never would have thought of her as being somebody who needed to do that. She has always appeared to the be a person who could endlessly socialize. She later told me that it happens to her every once in awhile and she just needs to find a corner to hide in and paint her toe nails or read some poetry. She has been dealing with this a lot longer than I have and can recognize it better than I can so she appears to be able to curb it before it gets to the point of disappearing for a week.

It’s not that the knowledge doesn’t help it’s that this is another tool that needs to be thought about and used. A person, every person needs alone time. I suddenly don’t know why this feels like a new idea to me. I ques it is just the relationship between the ideas of I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’m just going to choose a few unhealthy activities to get me through. The problem for me is often the unhealthy activities I choose end up resulting in a deeper and longer lasting depressed period. So, I need to develop better or more controllable escapes, and possibly need to schedule them.  Did something like this happen in may?

 

Feeling overwhelmed and the broadening of activities, where does it end.

When I get overwhelmed I have the tendency to avoid what is making me feel overwhelmed. A few weeks I posted about throwing away your todo list and I do believe that is something to do when severely overwhelmed however it should only be done for a short period and in a way that will quickly get you back to what you were doing. I’m being pulled in a dozen directions and when I feel that way I have the tendency to find something new to do. Something that really doesn’t even help me with what I need to do. I begin a project that I had been thinking about for a long time or I sometimes start a whole new hobby. It’s always something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think, I need to stop procrastinating on this so.. I’m going to begin blah___.  I’m flat broke and spent the weekend at an arts fair trying to sell some stuff I’ve made as a hobby. I’m going to return next year, and another event later this year but am greatly discouraged because I sold nothing. I thought about it and am going to use this failure to modify my hobby, my products to a more specific area, one where I am doing more of the work instead of just assembling some dresses. But that is my point, my problem. I’ve owned a sewing machine before, it broke I threw it away and until a few months ago haven’t sewed a thing. In the last few weeks I’ve spent my time making dresses to sell at the art fair. I also nearly two months ago changed the scope of a business I started two and a half years ago, so I’ve been working hard, often until 2 or even 3 am building websites so far none of which I’m going to get paid for. All the while not writing. At least not nearly as much as I had committed my self to doing. I’m insecure and was getting more and more people reading my blog I see these opportunities and drop what I was working on. I have several started posts I’m going to post this week. But I’m still dealing with my roommate, for which I feel like a failure on. How can I write about you having confidence in yourself and escape situations that cross the border of domestic abuse when I can’t do it myself. I currently have about six major things going some are potential money makers. One is I need to move. I need to remind myself that even if I find at the end of the week I didn’t even see it pass by, I am able to get this done. Is this post just an attempt at avoiding the move? I choose to see it as motivation to move forward with it.

Milestones or Moments.

Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments. –Rose Kennedy

Milestones help people to distinguish how time is passing, but is meant to be lived for the here and the now. Don’t get lost in either the past or the future. Find the self confidence to live in the present and life will be so much more enjoyable. Goals for the future are good and typically essential for a healthy lifestyle. Acknowledgment of the completion of a goal or the surpassing of milestones is just as important because it causes the revaluation of goals and milestones. If coupled with a celebration you to bring those milestones into the moment if only for one night you get to truly relish in the knowledge that it is completed.