Another leap.

I just put a few pieces, from different people that don’t talk, together. It would allow me to do something awesome.something I’ve wanted to do.but it’s scarry.and requires several things, that I have in my power to accomplish. It would probably be good for me.

Where was I again?

After beginning to work with the laptop a friend gave me for my business I forgot about my nook color I was so proud of having rooted and installing CM10 on. With it I can easily write posts with out being online without needing to use a word processor. After taking nearly two months of from writing it will take me a bit to get back to were I was. I’m also beginning to think of a name for my book.

Living Authentically

In 2008-2009 I made some pretty major life changing, life transitioning changes. I decided I was going to living my life for myself and no longer living the life people around me expected me to live. I discarded the life people believed I was supposed to live. Part of it was the understanding that it was their belief not mine. But most of it was just that I needed to break free. Shortly after moving forward I met the man that would become my sisters husband. He told me he liked me because “you’re real,” he said, “that some people can’t handle that and you need to remember that that’s their problem not yours.” I thought I was living authentically.

Before Easter when someone talked about living authentically I would have thought they were talking about living the life you have envisioned for yourself. Living a unique life one that is 100% your’s. The pastor at a church I regularly attend changed my perception of it. He talked about how Jesus’s raising from the dead was his way of proving who he was. It was him proving he was living authentically the whole time it was him showing the world he could follow through on his promises. Regardless of whether you are religious in anyway what needs to be extracted is the idea of following through no matter the cost.

I used to consider myself a reliable person. I used to follow through on everything. I was either upfront with an “I don’t know if I can do it” statement or I would add 30 % to the time I thought it would take and hope I got it done in time. Then I started to wane a little. I looked around at the people I worked with, I looked at my fellow students, I thought about TV and movie characters and realized I don’t actually need to follow through on everything. One night I was talking to my sister about how bad I felt about something I had not done. She yelled at me saying “how dare you think your better than us” I said I didn’t think I was, but she continued it was presumptuous to hold myself to a higher standard then others and even think I could follow through all the time. So foolishly listened and I stopped. I meant to only do it for a short time. To give myself a failure here and there, not that big of a deal. Except it got a little out of control.

I continued down the path of living my own life but still not following through on elements of that life. I backed out of really important things, in really bad ways, things that could have led to careers, good ones. Ones that I would enjoy more than anything I’ve done other than what I’ve been doing for the last two months.

 

There is a lot more to say about this, But I’m not sure what to add.

Feeling overwhelmed and the broadening of activities, where does it end.

When I get overwhelmed I have the tendency to avoid what is making me feel overwhelmed. A few weeks I posted about throwing away your todo list and I do believe that is something to do when severely overwhelmed however it should only be done for a short period and in a way that will quickly get you back to what you were doing. I’m being pulled in a dozen directions and when I feel that way I have the tendency to find something new to do. Something that really doesn’t even help me with what I need to do. I begin a project that I had been thinking about for a long time or I sometimes start a whole new hobby. It’s always something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think, I need to stop procrastinating on this so.. I’m going to begin blah___.  I’m flat broke and spent the weekend at an arts fair trying to sell some stuff I’ve made as a hobby. I’m going to return next year, and another event later this year but am greatly discouraged because I sold nothing. I thought about it and am going to use this failure to modify my hobby, my products to a more specific area, one where I am doing more of the work instead of just assembling some dresses. But that is my point, my problem. I’ve owned a sewing machine before, it broke I threw it away and until a few months ago haven’t sewed a thing. In the last few weeks I’ve spent my time making dresses to sell at the art fair. I also nearly two months ago changed the scope of a business I started two and a half years ago, so I’ve been working hard, often until 2 or even 3 am building websites so far none of which I’m going to get paid for. All the while not writing. At least not nearly as much as I had committed my self to doing. I’m insecure and was getting more and more people reading my blog I see these opportunities and drop what I was working on. I have several started posts I’m going to post this week. But I’m still dealing with my roommate, for which I feel like a failure on. How can I write about you having confidence in yourself and escape situations that cross the border of domestic abuse when I can’t do it myself. I currently have about six major things going some are potential money makers. One is I need to move. I need to remind myself that even if I find at the end of the week I didn’t even see it pass by, I am able to get this done. Is this post just an attempt at avoiding the move? I choose to see it as motivation to move forward with it.

Put your todo list away.

Feeling overwhelmed is not pleasant. I just spent 30 minutes ranting into this post about how overwhelmed I am. That’s not something to publish but it helped to bring a little perspective to the situation….. Writing like that is one of my favorite things to help me over come my that feeling. I also usually go online look for a good quote like: “Worry is a total waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. All it does is steal your joy and keep you very busy doing nothing.” Some times I write my own poetry:

Only time for one
so none get done
overwhelmed.

There are a lot of ways to get over being overwhelmed and it is surprising how often doing something not on you todo list is a cure. Sometimes that is not an option. What do you do then, I take the most insignificant thing, complete it. Then I have results I can point to for motivation for the next. Take one thing at a time and whatever you do stick to a single task. If you have any ideas leave them in the comments , I’d love to hear it.

Self confidence and what’s reality happening.

Last night I got drunk with friends. This morning I woke up thinking about that dance show case two weeks ago. There was a couple of line changes and one point that I was leading my formation (ATS is the improvisational style we practiced routines for.) There was a point where my routine was only slightly different than others. Some people have noticed the differences and I still can’t snake the feeling our instructor did it on purpose to make fun of me. Like she wanted to embarrass me in front of 240 people. And her crying after the dance was a cover up of laughing.
There are several ways to continue thinking about that. One I can choose to Ignore the feeling all together. Two give in to the thoughts let them consume me, quit dancing, move to a place I never have to see people from the audience again and never put myself  out there again. Three acknowledge the possibility understand there is nothing I can do because it’s now in my past and carry on like nothing was wrong. There are others but I think these three are the basic. The middle one is the result of low confidence and has non gained.
Is what it comes down to is having the self confidence to realize if they are making fun of me,its because they like me. If its because the don’t like me it’s not my problem there are people who love me. But it’s the self confidence of knowing these people are my friends and they’re most likely not making fun of me which is possibly the hardest to except.

Don’t regret the moment.

A few weeks ago in my Methods of Becoming a Better Socializer post I mentioned living in the moment “has been and continues to be the most difficult thing for me to do.” It is the thing that has required the most practice and it is the most unstable part of being a better socializer. The previous post mentions “It is easy to dwell on the past to relive moments and if you are thinking about a conversation where you said something less than intelligent you will miss things happening now.”

For years i didn’t even know there was anything wrong and so I would drudge through problems, past conversations and a failed life with friends, and worse acquaintances all of whom eventually stopped spending time with me. I saw the problem only after a therapy session where the therapists responded to a statement with “It’s because you’re present now.” I don’t remember what it was in response to but it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am now present more than I am away. A Part of me lives for the future, and I think about what might have been sometimes. But I’ve found listening to music helps, going for walks and getting enough sleep are essential. But my life is bout what is happening to me now. I have hobbies, I go out with friends; spontaneously, I clean up after myself most of the time. I have a schedule I’ve been maintaining for a whille and so I have to spend time putting it together, and review it everyday, that way I can tell if I’m falling out of the present.

Please don’t get confused. Memories are good, they are filled with lessons learned and happiness shared with friends and family, but there are times for them. I used to obsess about all. I spent the majority of my time thinking about how I wasted 26 years of my life living a life I thought my family wanted me to live. I spent hours each day dreaming about how my life would have been different had I not joined the military and began living my life for me at 18. I wasted time, worrying about how I wasted time.

Everybody is a little different, and learning to recognize your own signs is not easy and after you learn them watching for them can be even more challenging. But so rewarding. Last weekend my belly dance studio, had a showcase. There were 240 tickets presold and the place was almost packed. I could feel it all week, leading up to it. I knew it was coming and sure enough, before the showcase I fell, I had a lot of trouble staying with it. I managed to do okay in the dances, I made a number of mistakes throughout the performances and because I practiced my skills to bring myself back to the moment. I warned a few friends. Every 10 minutes I successfully brought my self back to the now.

Am I confusing living in the moment and anxiety for the show? No I’m not. It is a separate feeling. One I know from previous presentations, from last years showcase and a rare presentation given two days after the showcase I had only a few hours two prepare for. Anxiety is a feeling I also about the showcase. The feeling, the being present didn’t go away after the showcase. It hung around and got worse. So lost in thought were I that it took me double the time to get ready to leave the house for the day.

I now know how to recognize when being present is going to be an issue days before it is going to happen. Describing is another story. I don’t know where to begin with it.