I just put a few pieces, from different people that don’t talk, together. It would allow me to do something awesome.something I’ve wanted to do.but it’s scarry.and requires several things, that I have in my power to accomplish. It would probably be good for me.
(I wrote this a few months ago. I intended on sharing it but things got bad again and it got lost in a pile of other posts. I decided to share it now because, it outlines the situation and I will post more on it in the future.)
I have plunged into another depression because of this idea. I feel like a failure and like I shouldn’t be writing any of this because ‘how dare I say a person should escape abuse’ when I can’t even do it myself. One of my current roommates, the only one still here, as all the others moved out is a verbally abusive person. He has threatened to hit me repeatedly, thrown stuff at me and tries to kick me out of the kitchen even if I’m in there first. I took a lot of the abuse until he kicked my dog. Then I called my landlord. The problem is he is only like this when we are alone, with one exception when he girl friend was present. It is basically his word against mine and because I’m not a personable person, because I’m shy and don’t remember faces my landlords don’t believe me.
Two it took two months for them to tell me I had to file a restraining order on him in order to get out of the lease.
My therapist had told me to do it months earlier. When things weren’t that bad. I thought eh.. its good for me having to listen to his verbal abuse will make me a stronger person. Him insulting and threatening me allow me to more easily pass by somebody on the street or handle a rude coworker or a client when I still thought I had a chance at being a nursing assistant. But now especially since I started writing more frequently I see it the opposite. He must too. Things have continued to get worse and worse the only reason I can think to explain that is he thinks I’m week an can get away with it. He thinks i won’t do anything about it. He has been gone for a few days, which has been nice. I’m not afraid to be in my own apartment.
(I have left this living situation and am now living with a friend. I didn’t file the restringing order, and therefore continued to pay the rent but things are better now.)
After beginning to work with the laptop a friend gave me for my business I forgot about my nook color I was so proud of having rooted and installing CM10 on. With it I can easily write posts with out being online without needing to use a word processor. After taking nearly two months of from writing it will take me a bit to get back to were I was. I’m also beginning to think of a name for my book.
After starting a business building websites I initially got even better, even more consistent with my posting. Then Things got even worse with my now old roommate, and it made posting more difficult. I got away from that roommate by staying on a friends couch, it is nice. I like the place and I hope it continues working out. But I feel like I’m homeless and it is mostly relevant because there is no Internet at her house and where I am financially I can’t afford it. A friend gave me a laptop so I could go to coffee shops, bars, restaurants and the public library. It helped for a short time in early July but I spent weeks getting set up for web development and blogging when I got it ready it worked for a week then quit working setting me back nearly three weeks. With no decent computer or internet I’m left with the two public libraries in town, which are restrictive and don’t allow me to install software. Working exclusively in the library is nice because it forces me to get out and be more active and I interact with more people and occasionally get to run into friends or acquaintances. Though it has been hard I think I’m figuring it out and will begin posting again. But I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with my internship, moving, starting a business, writing, belly dancing volunteering at a local non-profit bike shop, making clothes and still filling out job applications none of which have done anything for me financially.
In 2008-2009 I made some pretty major life changing, life transitioning changes. I decided I was going to living my life for myself and no longer living the life people around me expected me to live. I discarded the life people believed I was supposed to live. Part of it was the understanding that it was their belief not mine. But most of it was just that I needed to break free. Shortly after moving forward I met the man that would become my sisters husband. He told me he liked me because “you’re real,” he said, “that some people can’t handle that and you need to remember that that’s their problem not yours.” I thought I was living authentically.
Before Easter when someone talked about living authentically I would have thought they were talking about living the life you have envisioned for yourself. Living a unique life one that is 100% your’s. The pastor at a church I regularly attend changed my perception of it. He talked about how Jesus’s raising from the dead was his way of proving who he was. It was him proving he was living authentically the whole time it was him showing the world he could follow through on his promises. Regardless of whether you are religious in anyway what needs to be extracted is the idea of following through no matter the cost.
I used to consider myself a reliable person. I used to follow through on everything. I was either upfront with an “I don’t know if I can do it” statement or I would add 30 % to the time I thought it would take and hope I got it done in time. Then I started to wane a little. I looked around at the people I worked with, I looked at my fellow students, I thought about TV and movie characters and realized I don’t actually need to follow through on everything. One night I was talking to my sister about how bad I felt about something I had not done. She yelled at me saying “how dare you think your better than us” I said I didn’t think I was, but she continued it was presumptuous to hold myself to a higher standard then others and even think I could follow through all the time. So foolishly listened and I stopped. I meant to only do it for a short time. To give myself a failure here and there, not that big of a deal. Except it got a little out of control.
I continued down the path of living my own life but still not following through on elements of that life. I backed out of really important things, in really bad ways, things that could have led to careers, good ones. Ones that I would enjoy more than anything I’ve done other than what I’ve been doing for the last two months.
There is a lot more to say about this, But I’m not sure what to add.
There is an internet meme that floats around every once in a while about how crying doesn’t mean you are not strong but instead it means how you have been strong for too long. I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve been in therapy for years to learn how to manage it. But I still struggle. Sometimes a lot. I’m on meds, but the meds only take the edge off. They are not like flipping a switch where suddenly hey I never feel depressed again. The years of therapy have given me tools to use to help to fight the depression, tools to keep me moving when I am depressed and but sometimes I still just need to separate myself from everybody and just hide for a bit.
So this post started because I’ve gone through another depressive state. it was a little over two weeks in length. I want to blame some specific stuff that may be talked about in another post but it didn’t matter that I have the tools that I have. I was tired of using them. I needed a break from the social life I’m building. So that is what I did. I got addicted to a TV show on crackle.com binged on it. spent too much time playing browser games and barely had the energy and time to follow through on a few job postings and interviews, some of which probably had to do with a horrible diet.
The other day I was with a friend who was approaching this stage herself, and it really struck me. I never would have thought of her as being somebody who needed to do that. She has always appeared to the be a person who could endlessly socialize. She later told me that it happens to her every once in awhile and she just needs to find a corner to hide in and paint her toe nails or read some poetry. She has been dealing with this a lot longer than I have and can recognize it better than I can so she appears to be able to curb it before it gets to the point of disappearing for a week.
It’s not that the knowledge doesn’t help it’s that this is another tool that needs to be thought about and used. A person, every person needs alone time. I suddenly don’t know why this feels like a new idea to me. I ques it is just the relationship between the ideas of I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’m just going to choose a few unhealthy activities to get me through. The problem for me is often the unhealthy activities I choose end up resulting in a deeper and longer lasting depressed period. So, I need to develop better or more controllable escapes, and possibly need to schedule them. Did something like this happen in may?
Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments. –Rose Kennedy
Milestones help people to distinguish how time is passing, but is meant to be lived for the here and the now. Don’t get lost in either the past or the future. Find the self confidence to live in the present and life will be so much more enjoyable. Goals for the future are good and typically essential for a healthy lifestyle. Acknowledgment of the completion of a goal or the surpassing of milestones is just as important because it causes the revaluation of goals and milestones. If coupled with a celebration you to bring those milestones into the moment if only for one night you get to truly relish in the knowledge that it is completed.