After starting a business building websites I initially got even better, even more consistent with my posting. Then Things got even worse with my now old roommate, and it made posting more difficult. I got away from that roommate by staying on a friends couch, it is nice. I like the place and I hope it continues working out. But I feel like I’m homeless and it is mostly relevant because there is no Internet at her house and where I am financially I can’t afford it. A friend gave me a laptop so I could go to coffee shops, bars, restaurants and the public library. It helped for a short time in early July but I spent weeks getting set up for web development and blogging when I got it ready it worked for a week then quit working setting me back nearly three weeks. With no decent computer or internet I’m left with the two public libraries in town, which are restrictive and don’t allow me to install software. Working exclusively in the library is nice because it forces me to get out and be more active and I interact with more people and occasionally get to run into friends or acquaintances. Though it has been hard I think I’m figuring it out and will begin posting again. But I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with my internship, moving, starting a business, writing, belly dancing volunteering at a local non-profit bike shop, making clothes and still filling out job applications none of which have done anything for me financially.
I’m now working on a more specific definition of what I’m going to be writing about on here, The specifics are actually to increase the ease of finding things to write about. To be able to find sources of things to write about to give a greater credibility to my writing… Although a lot of what I’m writing is specifically to just be about what I have learned over the years and how I and others can implement it. So though I am working on a part 2 of the methods post of the other day. I hope to use it to also clarify my intentions. I also finally made a schedule for my events and what I”m going to be doing for work. The schedule does not yet include specifics on a time frame for posts on my blogs but it is a commitment to working on posts 5 days per week.
I just logged in to my computer to check my email, and stumbled on to a blogger I’ve not read before. U Be Cute wrote a wonderful piece on making mistakes. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is not something to be avoided and how in fact it should be sought after. She mentioned how some of the people who have failed the most are considered to be extremely successful. She didn’t use the example of Disney or Warren Buffets famous story, but Walt went bankrupt multiple times trying to build a theme park and Warren Buffet wouldn’t let an employee who had lost millions of dollars quit.
I’ve been taking a dance class. Belly dancing and we’ve learned dances for a performance in two weeks. I am not a person who likes to make mistakes and it is hard because I know the dances but I’m always stepping with the wrong foot or crossing the wrong arm or one of a million other mistakes I’ve made in my year and a half of dancing. We are told to just go with the mistakes, the audience probably won’t even know you made it unless you draw attention to it. If you wince or change what move you are doing in the middle of it everybody will know. I always wince, close my eyes or almost trip trying to fix my feet.
U Be Cute said:
taking risks does not necessarily mean going bungee jumping or jumping into a pool of water snakes. It simply means stepping out of one’s comfort zone, and devising new ways of doing things rather than the “tried and tested” tasks, it involves making educated decisions with the awareness that all your efforts could come to naught.
And that statement rings so much with me because I resist change… I’ve went through several large transitions in my life; loosing my family, enlisting in the military, engineering school, English creative writing school, working as a nursing assistant for two years. I resist change to the point of holding on way too long, I should have stopped engineering sooner I would have been able to finish my degree without running out of financial aid. I can’t find a job, again. I’ve been unemployed for so long looking for the same kind of work and I’ve thought for months exactly what she wrote. What have I tried? What have the results been? How can I change what I’m trying, to get a different output? I haven’t figured it out yet, as if I ever will. But I see that it may require me to be the opposite her statement, I may need to bungee jump, to not think about it. Sometimes it is the only way. I just need to remember it “could come to naught.”
Expert from: To Err is Genius!.
Living your life on your own terms
It feels futile
So many affirmations
It must be real…
I used to try to be friends with everybody. If you were nice to me, I considered you a friend. I had a lot of them. Until I realized the hard way none were. I had low self confidence and felt I didn’t have a right to be picky. However as I’ve gained confidence I learned to be selective. I’m nice to nearly all people and will talk if I see even people I don’t like on the street, but that doesn’t mean we’re friends. The first few times I felt I had to not be friends with someone who wanted to be friends with me was hard. I think I cried about it. But they were not good for me. And it has gotten easier for two reasons I realize that is what everybody does and it’s your feelings not theirs that you need to worry about. I’ve also had people choose to not be my friend since I’ve been being selective and after giving up on a friend I now know why people do it. It’s not my fault, it’s theirs. Like wise when I realize I need to choose to not be close to someone it is because of me not them. This selection has won me real friends, a sense of belonging and an even higher self esteem.
Choose your friends, if you let them choose you, you don’t know what you’ll get.
I have struggled to become a more social person and that requires me to be a impulsive person. A person who can more easily take things as they come. Someone who more easily watches things happen instead of being someone who needs to be in the middle. This has come from the past number of years, where I was the opposite. After I came out of my deep period of seclusion I wanted to take part in everything. I need to be in the middle of whatever I could volunteer for. And I volunteered for everything. The problem was that I was at a place in my life where I could hardly hold my own life together, let alone follow through on the things I had said I would.
There are three major things in my life that really changed the way I followed through on things, because most of my life if I said I would do it, I did. 1. I volunteered to go to Iraq and volunteered for a second back to back tour. 2. I volunteered to be the durable power of attorney for my grandmother. 3. I volunteered to be the personal representative for my biological father’s estate. It’s not that I regret doing these things. It’s that people, people I trust told me not to do them. Remembering the phrase about taking the harder road, I went against these people. I did okay in Iraq, made a few bad decisions with my grandma and finishing my fathers estate was like pulling teeth and the lawyer was the dentist with-out Novocaine.
The power of attorney for my grandma and my fathers estate overlapped. I entered into a very deep depression. I isolated myself from everybody. When I began to emerge or wake up as I like to think of it I found a few groups that excepted me and so I began to volunteer for things to get me out. To meet people. It went okay for a while, but then it just got really bad. I ended up not following through on anything. There were a few years, I would begin something and then just disappear. Like my blogs, Mary Kay and many other things. I’d start something work on it for a while and then disappear. A little over two years ago I decided to stop, and I did. Kind of. I don’t want to drop the ball anymore and when I say I will do something I want to follow through. The best way to do that is to not say I’m going to do anything. To live completely in the moment. To live impulsively rather than planning out what I will do for the weeks ahead. This is why I had a hard time my last few semester in school. Taking class requires a person to be able to plan ahead and it is also why I can’t budget my money.
Now, I’ve learned a lot about socializing. Volunteering is only a small piece of that puzzle. I’ve wanted to start doing things again for other people. So I need to find ways of following through on my commitments. But this is a hard thing for me to get back to after a decade of me avoiding responsibility. A year ago I was asked to be on a mission comity, I’ve gone to a few meetings, but I’m scared of taking on anything. This blog, work and Bikurup are the only things that I’ve not given up on and there were a few times I was ready to give up writing for a career. It has just kept coming back to me. Thankfully. However this time is only due to me being unemployed for a long time. I didn’t want to write because it was heartbreaking when I felt the need to give it up last time and I don’t want to experience that again. But I’m at the point now that I need it back in my life. I need other things back in my life. My impulsiveness needs room for a bit of commitment.
I’m working on a schedule for my blog, I’m a little more concerned about the bikeurope because this one appears to be taking on more of a journal shape and I don’t have a specific goal for this one. My posts here have been more frequent of late. But they are more impulsive, something bothering me, so I write about it.
I got the idea of making a schedule from The Daily Post, the other day. Hopefully the schedule gets me on track and blogging consistently on Bikeurope.com. I have a lot of things coming up, in my life that is relevant to the blog and I should have a lot to talk about. I’m so worried though that I’m going to quit writing again when I get a job as I have done so many times in the past.
I’ve tried many things to keep my motivation, telling myself I get to do something special or that I can’t do something I typically do but that usually ends up being a disaster for me. So I need diligence to keep it up. stay strong and when life gets hard. Push through.
Today I have two Kahlil Gibran quotes:
Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream.
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.