I just put a few pieces, from different people that don’t talk, together. It would allow me to do something awesome.something I’ve wanted to do.but it’s scarry.and requires several things, that I have in my power to accomplish. It would probably be good for me.
(I wrote this a few months ago. I intended on sharing it but things got bad again and it got lost in a pile of other posts. I decided to share it now because, it outlines the situation and I will post more on it in the future.)
I have plunged into another depression because of this idea. I feel like a failure and like I shouldn’t be writing any of this because ‘how dare I say a person should escape abuse’ when I can’t even do it myself. One of my current roommates, the only one still here, as all the others moved out is a verbally abusive person. He has threatened to hit me repeatedly, thrown stuff at me and tries to kick me out of the kitchen even if I’m in there first. I took a lot of the abuse until he kicked my dog. Then I called my landlord. The problem is he is only like this when we are alone, with one exception when he girl friend was present. It is basically his word against mine and because I’m not a personable person, because I’m shy and don’t remember faces my landlords don’t believe me.
Two it took two months for them to tell me I had to file a restraining order on him in order to get out of the lease.
My therapist had told me to do it months earlier. When things weren’t that bad. I thought eh.. its good for me having to listen to his verbal abuse will make me a stronger person. Him insulting and threatening me allow me to more easily pass by somebody on the street or handle a rude coworker or a client when I still thought I had a chance at being a nursing assistant. But now especially since I started writing more frequently I see it the opposite. He must too. Things have continued to get worse and worse the only reason I can think to explain that is he thinks I’m week an can get away with it. He thinks i won’t do anything about it. He has been gone for a few days, which has been nice. I’m not afraid to be in my own apartment.
(I have left this living situation and am now living with a friend. I didn’t file the restringing order, and therefore continued to pay the rent but things are better now.)
After beginning to work with the laptop a friend gave me for my business I forgot about my nook color I was so proud of having rooted and installing CM10 on. With it I can easily write posts with out being online without needing to use a word processor. After taking nearly two months of from writing it will take me a bit to get back to were I was. I’m also beginning to think of a name for my book.
After starting a business building websites I initially got even better, even more consistent with my posting. Then Things got even worse with my now old roommate, and it made posting more difficult. I got away from that roommate by staying on a friends couch, it is nice. I like the place and I hope it continues working out. But I feel like I’m homeless and it is mostly relevant because there is no Internet at her house and where I am financially I can’t afford it. A friend gave me a laptop so I could go to coffee shops, bars, restaurants and the public library. It helped for a short time in early July but I spent weeks getting set up for web development and blogging when I got it ready it worked for a week then quit working setting me back nearly three weeks. With no decent computer or internet I’m left with the two public libraries in town, which are restrictive and don’t allow me to install software. Working exclusively in the library is nice because it forces me to get out and be more active and I interact with more people and occasionally get to run into friends or acquaintances. Though it has been hard I think I’m figuring it out and will begin posting again. But I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with my internship, moving, starting a business, writing, belly dancing volunteering at a local non-profit bike shop, making clothes and still filling out job applications none of which have done anything for me financially.
Tonight I spent a little time at the local eagles club. They have great specials and I know a few people who hang out there most weeks. Tonight there were a bunch not there but I went with another friend but it was a great time because I’ve only been there 3 times but I knew a large group. In my post about learning to socialize I said go to the coffee shops, and of coarse I am saying hangout in coffee shops, pubs, bars, wherever you can sit with just a glass of water and not get hassled to leave because your not spending money. I did drop a few dollars on 50 cent tacos for my friend and I plus a few beers a piece. but it is great running into people you know. Now there are several things that went into this exchange from tonight, a few people I know from college 5 years ago. the friend I went there with and wife, one from a new years party two years ago who hangs out all the time at a place I volunteer at at least once if not three times a week from which there were a few others there. I had a great time, talking about mutual hobbies / volunteer work over cheap tacos and beers. That is what socializing is all about bringing together several of the tools to combat loneliness, What a great realization. Especially after that week.
In 2008-2009 I made some pretty major life changing, life transitioning changes. I decided I was going to living my life for myself and no longer living the life people around me expected me to live. I discarded the life people believed I was supposed to live. Part of it was the understanding that it was their belief not mine. But most of it was just that I needed to break free. Shortly after moving forward I met the man that would become my sisters husband. He told me he liked me because “you’re real,” he said, “that some people can’t handle that and you need to remember that that’s their problem not yours.” I thought I was living authentically.
Before Easter when someone talked about living authentically I would have thought they were talking about living the life you have envisioned for yourself. Living a unique life one that is 100% your’s. The pastor at a church I regularly attend changed my perception of it. He talked about how Jesus’s raising from the dead was his way of proving who he was. It was him proving he was living authentically the whole time it was him showing the world he could follow through on his promises. Regardless of whether you are religious in anyway what needs to be extracted is the idea of following through no matter the cost.
I used to consider myself a reliable person. I used to follow through on everything. I was either upfront with an “I don’t know if I can do it” statement or I would add 30 % to the time I thought it would take and hope I got it done in time. Then I started to wane a little. I looked around at the people I worked with, I looked at my fellow students, I thought about TV and movie characters and realized I don’t actually need to follow through on everything. One night I was talking to my sister about how bad I felt about something I had not done. She yelled at me saying “how dare you think your better than us” I said I didn’t think I was, but she continued it was presumptuous to hold myself to a higher standard then others and even think I could follow through all the time. So foolishly listened and I stopped. I meant to only do it for a short time. To give myself a failure here and there, not that big of a deal. Except it got a little out of control.
I continued down the path of living my own life but still not following through on elements of that life. I backed out of really important things, in really bad ways, things that could have led to careers, good ones. Ones that I would enjoy more than anything I’ve done other than what I’ve been doing for the last two months.
There is a lot more to say about this, But I’m not sure what to add.
When I get overwhelmed I have the tendency to avoid what is making me feel overwhelmed. A few weeks I posted about throwing away your todo list and I do believe that is something to do when severely overwhelmed however it should only be done for a short period and in a way that will quickly get you back to what you were doing. I’m being pulled in a dozen directions and when I feel that way I have the tendency to find something new to do. Something that really doesn’t even help me with what I need to do. I begin a project that I had been thinking about for a long time or I sometimes start a whole new hobby. It’s always something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think, I need to stop procrastinating on this so.. I’m going to begin blah___. I’m flat broke and spent the weekend at an arts fair trying to sell some stuff I’ve made as a hobby. I’m going to return next year, and another event later this year but am greatly discouraged because I sold nothing. I thought about it and am going to use this failure to modify my hobby, my products to a more specific area, one where I am doing more of the work instead of just assembling some dresses. But that is my point, my problem. I’ve owned a sewing machine before, it broke I threw it away and until a few months ago haven’t sewed a thing. In the last few weeks I’ve spent my time making dresses to sell at the art fair. I also nearly two months ago changed the scope of a business I started two and a half years ago, so I’ve been working hard, often until 2 or even 3 am building websites so far none of which I’m going to get paid for. All the while not writing. At least not nearly as much as I had committed my self to doing. I’m insecure and was getting more and more people reading my blog I see these opportunities and drop what I was working on. I have several started posts I’m going to post this week. But I’m still dealing with my roommate, for which I feel like a failure on. How can I write about you having confidence in yourself and escape situations that cross the border of domestic abuse when I can’t do it myself. I currently have about six major things going some are potential money makers. One is I need to move. I need to remind myself that even if I find at the end of the week I didn’t even see it pass by, I am able to get this done. Is this post just an attempt at avoiding the move? I choose to see it as motivation to move forward with it.