I just put a few pieces, from different people that don’t talk, together. It would allow me to do something awesome.something I’ve wanted to do.but it’s scarry.and requires several things, that I have in my power to accomplish. It would probably be good for me.
(I wrote this a few months ago. I intended on sharing it but things got bad again and it got lost in a pile of other posts. I decided to share it now because, it outlines the situation and I will post more on it in the future.)
I have plunged into another depression because of this idea. I feel like a failure and like I shouldn’t be writing any of this because ‘how dare I say a person should escape abuse’ when I can’t even do it myself. One of my current roommates, the only one still here, as all the others moved out is a verbally abusive person. He has threatened to hit me repeatedly, thrown stuff at me and tries to kick me out of the kitchen even if I’m in there first. I took a lot of the abuse until he kicked my dog. Then I called my landlord. The problem is he is only like this when we are alone, with one exception when he girl friend was present. It is basically his word against mine and because I’m not a personable person, because I’m shy and don’t remember faces my landlords don’t believe me.
Two it took two months for them to tell me I had to file a restraining order on him in order to get out of the lease.
My therapist had told me to do it months earlier. When things weren’t that bad. I thought eh.. its good for me having to listen to his verbal abuse will make me a stronger person. Him insulting and threatening me allow me to more easily pass by somebody on the street or handle a rude coworker or a client when I still thought I had a chance at being a nursing assistant. But now especially since I started writing more frequently I see it the opposite. He must too. Things have continued to get worse and worse the only reason I can think to explain that is he thinks I’m week an can get away with it. He thinks i won’t do anything about it. He has been gone for a few days, which has been nice. I’m not afraid to be in my own apartment.
(I have left this living situation and am now living with a friend. I didn’t file the restringing order, and therefore continued to pay the rent but things are better now.)
After beginning to work with the laptop a friend gave me for my business I forgot about my nook color I was so proud of having rooted and installing CM10 on. With it I can easily write posts with out being online without needing to use a word processor. After taking nearly two months of from writing it will take me a bit to get back to were I was. I’m also beginning to think of a name for my book.
Tonight I spent a little time at the local eagles club. They have great specials and I know a few people who hang out there most weeks. Tonight there were a bunch not there but I went with another friend but it was a great time because I’ve only been there 3 times but I knew a large group. In my post about learning to socialize I said go to the coffee shops, and of coarse I am saying hangout in coffee shops, pubs, bars, wherever you can sit with just a glass of water and not get hassled to leave because your not spending money. I did drop a few dollars on 50 cent tacos for my friend and I plus a few beers a piece. but it is great running into people you know. Now there are several things that went into this exchange from tonight, a few people I know from college 5 years ago. the friend I went there with and wife, one from a new years party two years ago who hangs out all the time at a place I volunteer at at least once if not three times a week from which there were a few others there. I had a great time, talking about mutual hobbies / volunteer work over cheap tacos and beers. That is what socializing is all about bringing together several of the tools to combat loneliness, What a great realization. Especially after that week.
There is an internet meme that floats around every once in a while about how crying doesn’t mean you are not strong but instead it means how you have been strong for too long. I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve been in therapy for years to learn how to manage it. But I still struggle. Sometimes a lot. I’m on meds, but the meds only take the edge off. They are not like flipping a switch where suddenly hey I never feel depressed again. The years of therapy have given me tools to use to help to fight the depression, tools to keep me moving when I am depressed and but sometimes I still just need to separate myself from everybody and just hide for a bit.
So this post started because I’ve gone through another depressive state. it was a little over two weeks in length. I want to blame some specific stuff that may be talked about in another post but it didn’t matter that I have the tools that I have. I was tired of using them. I needed a break from the social life I’m building. So that is what I did. I got addicted to a TV show on crackle.com binged on it. spent too much time playing browser games and barely had the energy and time to follow through on a few job postings and interviews, some of which probably had to do with a horrible diet.
The other day I was with a friend who was approaching this stage herself, and it really struck me. I never would have thought of her as being somebody who needed to do that. She has always appeared to the be a person who could endlessly socialize. She later told me that it happens to her every once in awhile and she just needs to find a corner to hide in and paint her toe nails or read some poetry. She has been dealing with this a lot longer than I have and can recognize it better than I can so she appears to be able to curb it before it gets to the point of disappearing for a week.
It’s not that the knowledge doesn’t help it’s that this is another tool that needs to be thought about and used. A person, every person needs alone time. I suddenly don’t know why this feels like a new idea to me. I ques it is just the relationship between the ideas of I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’m just going to choose a few unhealthy activities to get me through. The problem for me is often the unhealthy activities I choose end up resulting in a deeper and longer lasting depressed period. So, I need to develop better or more controllable escapes, and possibly need to schedule them. Did something like this happen in may?
When I get overwhelmed I have the tendency to avoid what is making me feel overwhelmed. A few weeks I posted about throwing away your todo list and I do believe that is something to do when severely overwhelmed however it should only be done for a short period and in a way that will quickly get you back to what you were doing. I’m being pulled in a dozen directions and when I feel that way I have the tendency to find something new to do. Something that really doesn’t even help me with what I need to do. I begin a project that I had been thinking about for a long time or I sometimes start a whole new hobby. It’s always something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. I think, I need to stop procrastinating on this so.. I’m going to begin blah___. I’m flat broke and spent the weekend at an arts fair trying to sell some stuff I’ve made as a hobby. I’m going to return next year, and another event later this year but am greatly discouraged because I sold nothing. I thought about it and am going to use this failure to modify my hobby, my products to a more specific area, one where I am doing more of the work instead of just assembling some dresses. But that is my point, my problem. I’ve owned a sewing machine before, it broke I threw it away and until a few months ago haven’t sewed a thing. In the last few weeks I’ve spent my time making dresses to sell at the art fair. I also nearly two months ago changed the scope of a business I started two and a half years ago, so I’ve been working hard, often until 2 or even 3 am building websites so far none of which I’m going to get paid for. All the while not writing. At least not nearly as much as I had committed my self to doing. I’m insecure and was getting more and more people reading my blog I see these opportunities and drop what I was working on. I have several started posts I’m going to post this week. But I’m still dealing with my roommate, for which I feel like a failure on. How can I write about you having confidence in yourself and escape situations that cross the border of domestic abuse when I can’t do it myself. I currently have about six major things going some are potential money makers. One is I need to move. I need to remind myself that even if I find at the end of the week I didn’t even see it pass by, I am able to get this done. Is this post just an attempt at avoiding the move? I choose to see it as motivation to move forward with it.
Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments. –Rose Kennedy
Milestones help people to distinguish how time is passing, but is meant to be lived for the here and the now. Don’t get lost in either the past or the future. Find the self confidence to live in the present and life will be so much more enjoyable. Goals for the future are good and typically essential for a healthy lifestyle. Acknowledgment of the completion of a goal or the surpassing of milestones is just as important because it causes the revaluation of goals and milestones. If coupled with a celebration you to bring those milestones into the moment if only for one night you get to truly relish in the knowledge that it is completed.