Tonight while feeling a little vulnerable yet still motivated I Googled how to be more present in your own life. One of the results was a list and description of ten things that will help a person to achieve it. Below I have quoted the first step, and it is accepting thy self.

“Your self-acceptance score sets your “personal allowance” for how much happiness, success and love is possible and how much is “too good to be true.” Your allowance determines how much good fortune you can identify with before you start telling yourself “good things like this don’t happen to people like me.” As your self-acceptance score increases, the more good fortune you will allow yourself to notice, accept and enjoy.

When your self-acceptance score is low, you tend to forget that abundance is natural, and you start to believe that good fortune has to be deserved, earned and paid for. When good things happen to you, you feel guilty, anxious and afraid, because deep down you believe something deeply illegal or blasphemous has happened. You quickly set about “paying the bill” by making sacrifices, working harder, apologizing everywhere, pushing away love, rejecting the joy and sabotaging the success. Thus, for as long as you do not accept yourself, you will always want more than you let yourself have.” (Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/10-Ways-to-Be-More-Abundant-in-Life/1#ixzz1mo5K0D6j)

About half way through it I broke down into tears. After my tears were about done I asked why is it the idea of self-acceptance is so upsetting for me. I know most of the answer to that. I hate my self, I hate where I am in my transition. I hate where I am in my life. I have a goal for the future that will take me well beyond transition, well beyond surgery but it is only one and due to family’s comments I question it.  this questioning is a wholenother problem but I think it stems from the same. My lack of self-acceptance.

The hatred I feel for myself is a lot of my non acceptance, but it is not all. I feel like the only way I will ever be able to move on in my life is to have surgery. I know, only because I’ve heard it so many times that surgery is not the end all.  It is only a small part  of who I am, my life does not begin after surgery, nor do the problems of today go away. But that is what brings me to tears. That is what makes me ask why do I need it.

I don’t know. I mean, I hate my penis. I blame it for most of my problems. I frequently think about preforming the surgery myself in my kitchen but what is it that makes it feel so necessary, the first thing that comes to mind is the need, to experience what it is like to not have a penis, to pee hands free and imagining what it is like for a man to enter me there, warms my lower abdomen every time. Though I have had sex I don’t desire it as I currently am.

 

But what is it. Is it just a want. Can I live fifty or even ten years without it.

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