Tonight while feeling a little vulnerable yet still motivated I Googled how to be more present in your own life. One of the results was a list and description of ten things that will help a person to achieve it. Below I have quoted the first step, and it is accepting thy self.

“Your self-acceptance score sets your “personal allowance” for how much happiness, success and love is possible and how much is “too good to be true.” Your allowance determines how much good fortune you can identify with before you start telling yourself “good things like this don’t happen to people like me.” As your self-acceptance score increases, the more good fortune you will allow yourself to notice, accept and enjoy.

When your self-acceptance score is low, you tend to forget that abundance is natural, and you start to believe that good fortune has to be deserved, earned and paid for. When good things happen to you, you feel guilty, anxious and afraid, because deep down you believe something deeply illegal or blasphemous has happened. You quickly set about “paying the bill” by making sacrifices, working harder, apologizing everywhere, pushing away love, rejecting the joy and sabotaging the success. Thus, for as long as you do not accept yourself, you will always want more than you let yourself have.” (Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/10-Ways-to-Be-More-Abundant-in-Life/1#ixzz1mo5K0D6j)

About half way through it I broke down into tears. After my tears were about done I asked why is it the idea of self-acceptance is so upsetting for me. I know most of the answer to that. I hate my self, I hate where I am in my transition. I hate where I am in my life. I have a goal for the future that will take me well beyond transition, well beyond surgery but it is only one and due to family’s comments I question it.  this questioning is a wholenother problem but I think it stems from the same. My lack of self-acceptance.

The hatred I feel for myself is a lot of my non acceptance, but it is not all. I feel like the only way I will ever be able to move on in my life is to have surgery. I know, only because I’ve heard it so many times that surgery is not the end all.  It is only a small part  of who I am, my life does not begin after surgery, nor do the problems of today go away. But that is what brings me to tears. That is what makes me ask why do I need it.

I don’t know. I mean, I hate my penis. I blame it for most of my problems. I frequently think about preforming the surgery myself in my kitchen but what is it that makes it feel so necessary, the first thing that comes to mind is the need, to experience what it is like to not have a penis, to pee hands free and imagining what it is like for a man to enter me there, warms my lower abdomen every time. Though I have had sex I don’t desire it as I currently am.

 

But what is it. Is it just a want. Can I live fifty or even ten years without it.

My identity

Afew weeks ago I posted a responce to The Daily Post about my identity. I outlined a few things that help to define who I am or who I want to be. I posted it quickly because a rule I’ve been using for blogging is once I start I must finish it and either post it or delete it.
That post has bothered me because there are aspects of I don’t like. Yes I don’t really identify as trans but that is who I am and I am proud that I have been able to stand up and say it outloud. But how do I indetify is an almost impossible question to answer. I am constantly changing who I am. A few things that are concrete would be:
I am a US Marine, and a vet of the Iraq war.
I am a woman.
I am stylish.
A caring person who likes to help others.
I a writer and some day plan to publish a book about my enlistment.
I a traveler and will see every country in Europe, and will spend several monthes on each coninent, except maybe antartica.
There are as I stated in the other post more things than I can list. And most are really hard to put into words. But one of the things I’m most proud of was one my sisters boy-friend defined for me: I am a real person and I work hard to show people that, I don’t hold much back. He also told me that is why many people are afraid of me. They are so wrapped up in lieing to themselves that when they witness someone who doesn’t hold back they just can’t handle it.

Sorry for the spelling mobil wordress has no spell check and I need to post it now.

Daily post (how do I define my identity)

An identity is the image we hold of ourselves. A person always has multiple and many of them are also in flux. They are sometimes not recognizable by others  and a challenge in life is getting others to see them. The ones not seen right away are are some of the more important ones. When somebody sees it when somebody acknowledges it, we get warm and fuzzy feelings. Some of the identities that make up who I am are:

1. A woman who likes to have beautiful nails  -I don’t do this one very well.
2. A woman who rides a lot of bicycle
3. A woman into endurance sports
4. A stylish and perhaps even elegant woman
5. Someone who is open minded and understanding
6. An artist, I aspire to be a writer
7. Too many to list

I feel obligated to say that being transsexual is a part of my identity but I have never felt like one, I’ve always seen myself as just a woman. This is somewhat trouble some for me because 1. I don’t want to go back into the closet (going stealth) 2. I feel just as proud when somebody recognizes me as queer as when somebody addresses with female pronouns 3. It is who I am and I don’t know how to draw this distinction without Jeopardizing some of the list above.

Weekly Photo Challenge: My Christmas portrait

Holiday Sadness. Experiencing loneliness sitting by my tree.

Weekly Photo Challenge (Waiting for Transition in my Closet)

My Closet is Blurry

This weeks challenge is a picture that demonstrates waiting. I choose a blurry picture of my closet. That picture embodies waiting for me because in many ways I waited way too long for transition, I knew I was going to before I enlisted but I choose to wait because I was not yet ready to accept who I was, like wise when I left the service I was not ready. Unfortunately it took my fathers death for me to realize there is no such thing as being ready for transition, or let me rephrase that, the only correct time is right now. I feared my family would abandon. I feared my community would make me an outcast. I was wrong. I don’t know your situation, but I believe that every situation can be changed, if it really is your community move. If it is your wife or your family and they love you they will stand by you, though testing that may be hard. My dad and all his siblings died before the age of sixty. I was approaching my later twenties and realized I had already lived half of my families life expectancy. I could not wait any longer.

Another reason I choose the blurry picture of my closet was that I wish while I was waiting I had discovered what made a good wardrobe and had invested in that instead of most of the stuff that I had bought. You might say but.. but I don’t know what size I am, or what size I will be when I begin transition. I now say neither of those matter. First either order off the internet or drive to a town a few hours away. If you end up with something in the wrong size  most places will take it back, if they don’t that is okay too, it sucks you spent the money but save it. When you do start transition and it is a good quality piece of clothing, consignment shops will buy it for you sometimes they will only give you store credit but hey then you get to do more shopping. I’d love to go more into what makes a good wardrobe but, I am still discovering that. just Google around a little and you’ll find more information that I could possible give you. Maybe pick up a magazine in Wal-Mart next time its for your girlfriend, or sister.

Weekly Photo Challenge: My Family is like a herd of Elephants!

Family  is the weekly photo challenge. A few weeks ago I watched a nature documentary, one of the scenes in the movie is of a herd of elephants that are dying of thirst. Among them are calves having a hard time keeping up. Despite the danger the mothers slow down risking getting lost and their own lives to ensure the safety of their young.

Image provided by: www.freedigitalphotos.net link to site on bottom of page.

This idea of family is very personal because a little over a year ago one of my sisters moved across the country. She spent a year living here. It was one of the more amazing things people have done for me. She and her boyfriend move from northern California to Minnesota. This was not something I asked for and when it happened I did not appreciate it. No matter how cliché it is to say it was not until they were packing to leave that I began to understand.

The last few years have been kind of hard for me. After my father’s death the pain of living as somebody I didn’t identify with became too difficult but I hated myself so much I believed my family would not accept me as a woman. I moved to a place I would not see any family or friends that might ask about family. This was hard because before we would talk multiple times per week. Considering how we separated when growing up (foster homes) we had good relationships something we worked hard to maintain. Since I have slowly drifted. I love them but have begun to find it difficult to re-implement them into my life. I was so ready for them to abandon me when they didn’t I automatically did it to them.

My sister quit a job she loved packed up her boyfriend, who still needed to finish grad school and moved across the country for me. Why? I still ask myself this question. But the answer is: To help me to catch up. To give me a chance. To show me how much my family cares about me. This is the first time I’ve acknowledged it outside my head.  Thank you.

Image: africa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Just a little note

I’m in the process of some major reconstruction because I’m expanding to two more Blogs.

Winterizing The Trek by studding the tires

This year I’ve planned to ride my bicycle all winter. My new job however is in a part of town that may stop me. It’s partially the distance but also a few really big hills between us and it just scares me. I’m sure I’ll try but before I can ride anywhere I need to make sure I’m not going to kill myself by riding on ice. I’ve looked up a few tutorials on how to winterize my bike, the main thing I have found is studding the tires. However I have also heard that it is a good idea to decrease the mechanical components of the bike. This tutorial focuses on studding tires, I’d like to do one on removing the derailer but I can’t on my bike. Before we begin what did I use:

Tools	Materials
Drill	Bicycle Tires
Drill bits	Screws 50-100 Per Tire
Philips Head Screw Driver	Tire Liner
Dog Toy	Time
Something To Cut With

Skip to Procedure

Tire — It is best to use the widest tires you can get. Narrow road tires, with no tread and little traction are great for summer riding with lots of speed but in the winter you’ll want as much traction as possible so fat tires with large tread are best. I went with what I had, or what I could get free. I got my tires from Key City Bike which is a shop in town that provides tools and parts for people to fix their bike. The also will give or sell entire bikes to people. They are run off donations. It’s where I got my Schwinn.

Screws — I used 80 1/2 inch #8 self tapping sheet metal screws per tire. Get the ones with the biggest heads you can find without sharp edges. I had to ask a clerk and go to two stores before I found what I was looking for. I got them at home depot and after tax I paid $6.41 for 260 screws.

Liner –A tire liner to protect the tube from the screws in the tire. I used old road bike tires, but a few friends used duct tape either will work but I didn’t have tape but had two unusable tires in my shed. An old tube may work well too.

Time — a few friends said they were able to do two tires in an hour. It depends on how many screws are used per tire, they said they used a total of a hundred, and I used 80 per tire. It took me about forty to forty-five per tire.

Drill w/drill bits –Bit should be the same size as screws because little rubber will actually be removed from the tire

Phillips Head Screw Driver — to drive the screws through the rubber of the tires.

Something to cut with — this will depend on what you’re using for your liner. Because I used an old tire I used a wire cutter (or a side cutter) a shears may have worked well but I went with what I had easy access to. If you’re using duct tape scissors or a knife will work well. If you’re using an old tube a sharp knife or shears will probably have to be used.

Puppy toy — trying to work on something on the floor with a puppy is impossible unless you got a way to keep them busy, we played fetch for about ten minutes then she laid down next to me and chewed on her toy for the rest of the time.

Skip to Procedure

The tools I used to complete the project minus the cutter.	The cutter and drill bit (3/32) I used
My Rear Tire	My Front Tire, you can also see another shot of the rear tire along with both of the road bike tires used for the liner.
Here are the screw that I used 6.41 after tax at Home Depot.
I have put the tube inside the old road bike tire to protect the tube from the screws.	I have inserted the liner with tube inside my rear tire, you can see the screws and the reason the old tire was not usable.

Procedure:
1. Look at the tire to figure out what pattern to use. I used a lot more screws per tire than the friend that told me about this. I wanted to stud the tire on the outside, to make the bike more stable and it will allow for leaning, not that I’m going to be doing any racing.

2. Drill from the outside of the tire in through the thickest part of the tread and don’t do more than a few patterns at a time to ensure that one is not missed.

3. Screw in the screws using the driver. I feel silly saying that or elaborating on it but… My rear tire was much easier to work with than the front, because the tire was wider and much more pliable.

4. Line the tire from the tube to protect it from the screws.

a. Duct Tape- If your using duct tape layer it.  You’ll want it to be separate and able to move inside the tire putting sticky side to sticky side will ensure that the tape doesn’t stick to either the tube or the tire.

b. Old Tire- If your using an old tire you’ll need to cut it to make it fit inside the other tire. use the side cutters to cut the tube in one spot then insert it into the outer tube. when you get it into the other tire you can see how much to cut off. though I’m not sure removing the over lap is necessary.

c. Old Tube- this will depend on what size tube you are using, if it is the same size as what is currently on the bike, say 26″ tube and 26″ tire just cut the center out of it, make sure you remove the old stem. If the tube is larger than your current tire , say 27″ tube and 26″ tire, you’ll need to cut it in half and overlap it a few inches maybe use some duct tape to hold it together.

5. Once you got the new tire lined you can go ahead and put the new tube and wheel in the tire and then install it on the bike.

6. Jump on the bike and go for a ride. Take it slow, if there is ice on the ground even though the tires are studded you will still wipe out a lot easier. Have fun and don’t kill yourself.

The finished Products

This is the finished front tire, looks dangerous don't get in my way.	The finished rear tire also looks dangerous.
The installed front tire	The Installed Rear Tire
The winterized Trek doesn't look much different than the regular Trek	I just thought this is a cool pic.

Total cost of this project was $6.41 a little over 2 hours plus the time it took to find the screws. When considering prestudded tires are over $40.00 a piece I think it was a pretty good deal.

My Puppy:

Renesmae sleeping in her corner behind the papasan. Looks like she opened her eyes for you.

Weekly Photo Challenge: My typical Breakfast!

I eat this or some similar variation of this every morning. I am not actually a foot ball fan It was just what I grabbed.

Here it is my daily breakfast. One egg with a small hand full of chopped vegetable and cheese, pancakes with sugar-free syrup, cereal with a table-spoon of ground flax-seed and vanilla almond milk, a fruit smoothie, tea, and a glass of water.

Yesterday I finally paid a visit to the Daily post I keep reading about it and thought hey maybe I should look at it. I think using it for posting everyday might be a little too much for me especially since I want to blog about my own stuff but their weekly photo challenge looks like a thing to add to my blog. It will add a variation that most won’t exist otherwise and it will hopefully cause me to stretch my creative mind. I’m not sure this one does it but…

This is breakfast, nearly every morning. As I said above I eat my egg with a vegetable, usually it is broccoli but I’ve used brussels sprouts, cauliflower, cabbage and even kale. Broccoli, what I used today are my favorite but brussels sprouts are pretty awesome too. Today I had blue berry pancakes, but I prefer the buttermilk. I just don’t want to get tired of them so I mix it up. I must have tea every morning, Earl grey is like captain Picard my favorite but I drink a lot of just plain black tea. My smoothies vary on what I have in the fridge, I try to vary it as much as possible, once a month I buy some strawberries or grapes, but typically they are a variation of apples, oranges, bananas or pears with apple juice or almond milk if I’m out of juice, I’ve also used water. This smoothie was one apple and one orange with about a half a cup of apple juice.  My cereal I try to vary also this week I’m enjoying Island Vanilla whole wheat biscuits from Kashi, which are really good. If a person watches for sales Kashi is about the same price as any other name brand cereal, but I’ve been a little more happy with what I’ve gotten, the one with Currents are my favorite. Due to being a sudo vegetarian or a pescetarian I add the Flax seed to help boost my healthy fat intake, there really isn’t a taste associated with it, I’ve tried it in my smoothies many times, it changed the texture in a good way but it made doing the dishes a lot more difficult so I just leave it in my cereal. This is a wonderful breakfast that really gets me ready for a long day. Since adding the Flax seed I’ve found that I can now skip a meal every once in a while without problems however I try really hard not to do that. Because of the size and nutritional content my meals throughout the day do not have to be much more than a snack. Try it this is a great meal.

Time Management

I suck at it.

Okay, maybe everybody does, or everybody feels that way. I haven’t posted now in quite a while because ‘Im busy.’ I want to do this and I will. It is bothersome that tonight I spent five and a half hours on the computer putting together a package to send to amazon in the hopes of making some money. I’m sure I’ll make something but it is going to cost me quite a bit to get it there and then I have to sit and wait. I was supposed to be writing. Every forty five minutes I had to remind myself.

I got a class, that requires a fair amount of work; I’m looking for a job; painting my kitchen, have been for two weeks; writing a book; trying to maintain this blog;  and there is a lot more, but every time I manage to check something off I end up adding several more to it.

A friend the other day told me she wishes she was that busy, my reply was ’I don’t like it.’ I know that someday things are going to slow down and I’m going to wish for these days again but I don’t want to waste my todays, and part of not wasting today is doing what I truly want. What I want is writing not spending five hours gathering books from my house to put on amazon. com.

I guess it would be nice to have my rent paid, if everything sells.

Thanks for reading.