Another leap.

I just put a few pieces, from different people that don’t talk, together. It would allow me to do something awesome.something I’ve wanted to do.but it’s scarry.and requires several things, that I have in my power to accomplish. It would probably be good for me.

Escaping abusive and potentially dangerous situations.

(I wrote this a few months ago. I intended on sharing it but things got bad again and it got lost in a pile of other posts. I decided to share it now because, it outlines the situation and I will post more on it in the future.)

I have plunged into another depression because of this idea. I feel like a failure and like I shouldn’t be writing any of this because ‘how dare I say a person should escape abuse’ when I can’t even do it myself. One of my current roommates, the only one still here, as all the others moved out is a verbally abusive person. He has threatened to hit me repeatedly, thrown stuff at me and tries to kick me out of the kitchen even if I’m in there first. I took a lot of the abuse until he kicked my dog. Then I called my landlord. The problem is he is only like this when we are alone, with one exception when he girl friend was present. It is basically his word against mine and because I’m not a personable person, because I’m shy and don’t remember faces my landlords don’t believe me.

Two it took two months for them to tell me I had to file a restraining order on him in order to get out of the lease.

My therapist had told me to do it months earlier. When things weren’t that bad. I thought eh.. its good for me having to listen to his verbal abuse will make me a stronger person. Him insulting and threatening me allow me to more easily pass by somebody on the street or handle a rude coworker or a client when I still thought I had a chance at being a nursing assistant. But now especially since I started writing more frequently I see it the opposite. He must too. Things have continued to get worse and worse the only reason I can think to explain that is he thinks I’m week an can get away with it. He thinks i won’t do anything about it. He has been gone for a few days, which has been nice. I’m not afraid to be in my own apartment.

(I have left this living situation and am now living with a friend. I didn’t file the restringing order, and therefore continued to pay the rent but things are better now.)

Where was I again?

After beginning to work with the laptop a friend gave me for my business I forgot about my nook color I was so proud of having rooted and installing CM10 on. With it I can easily write posts with out being online without needing to use a word processor. After taking nearly two months of from writing it will take me a bit to get back to were I was. I’m also beginning to think of a name for my book.

Focus, I’ve gotten lost again.

After starting a business building websites I initially got even better, even more consistent with my posting. Then Things got even worse with my now old roommate, and it made posting more difficult. I got away from that roommate by staying on a friends couch, it is nice. I like the place and I hope it continues working out. But I feel like I’m homeless and it is mostly relevant because there is no Internet at her house and where I am financially I can’t afford it. A friend gave me a laptop so I could go to coffee shops, bars, restaurants and the public library. It helped for a short time in early July but I spent weeks getting set up for web development and blogging when I got it ready it worked for a week then quit working setting me back nearly three weeks. With no decent computer or internet I’m left with the two public libraries in town, which are restrictive and don’t allow me to install software. Working exclusively in the library is nice because it forces me to get out and be more active and I interact with more people and occasionally get to run into friends or acquaintances. Though it has been hard I think I’m figuring it out and will begin posting again. But I’ve been incredibly overwhelmed with my internship, moving, starting a business, writing, belly dancing volunteering at a local non-profit bike shop, making clothes and still filling out job applications none of which have done anything for me financially.

 

Deep breath!

Feeling Trapped

Why do people feel  trapped by others? I feel this way from time to time. it’s not that i’m ever actually trapped by someone but i begin to rely on them in an unhealthy way. I get comfortable with spending time with one person and then I end up not even asking others to hang out. Or I mean I end up not trying to spend time with others.

Living Authentically 2

A few weeks ago I mentioned how I have not been a reliable person for the last few years. How I’ve let myself and others down repeatedly. I used to consider myself a reliable person, I would say something and follow through on it. After I realized it was almost like I couldn’t I began to not take on any responsibility. I began to just do nothing, I would not commit to hanging out with friends or family, If someone wanted me to volunteer somewhere I would find some excuse to not, even when I wanted to.

I have realized that a person should be a little choosy, if you want to be successful you should want to do something enough that you would pass up other things to accomplish it and then put some blinders on.

 

Success comes from taking action. And the only time I’ve taken action to get something big is when I convinced myself I had no other option. #PenelopeTrunk #quote

 

 

I had this post done,  but my network card stopped working and when I clicked update, for the auto post I lost it. so this is a  jumbled mess.

I signed up for classes I never attended, I think I only passed a few classes because my instructors liked me. and though I was never late for a class I couldn’t show up to work on time, after a while I couldn’t do social things on time either friends started to sick of it. and I began to loose the few friends I had worked so hard for but I couldn’t get myself to stop being such a flake. Last year. Last year I worked as a nursing assistant and had medical benefits that paid for a surgery I needed. I was assured I had a job when I came back off medical leave but because I worked for the company for less than a year they filled it and I’ve been unemployed since. I feel like they burned me. but that is crazy people don’t actually do that do they, I mean it is illegal…. Okay so I got hurt really bad from someone not following through and now I see, I can not be that kind of person anymore. since then I have completed a certification for being a nursing assistant. restarted a business, I had forgotten why I ‘d started and given up on on it about a year earlier.

I’m trying to hold myself together I don’t think I’m succeeding.  I just want to watch damages.

 

Which brings me to Jim Carrey’s speech again. he said it doesn’t matter what you promise you can worry about your follow through later. but go a head and ask the world for it.

 

 

I avoided Responsibility but it’s time to embrace all of me.