CJ Myer











I used to try to be friends with everybody. If you were nice to me, I considered you a friend. I had a lot of them. Until I realized the hard way none were. I had low self confidence and felt I didn’t have a right to be picky. However as I’ve gained confidence I learned to be selective. I’m nice to nearly all people and will talk if I see even people I don’t like on the street, but that doesn’t mean we’re friends. The first few times I felt I had to not be friends with someone who wanted to be friends with me was hard. I think I cried about it. But they were not good for me. And it has gotten easier for two reasons I realize that is what everybody does and it’s your feelings not theirs that you need to worry about. I’ve also had people choose to not be my friend since I’ve been being selective and after giving up on a friend I now know why people do it. It’s not my fault, it’s theirs. Like wise when I realize I need to choose to not be close to someone it is because of me not them. This selection has won me real friends, a sense of belonging and an even higher self esteem.

 

Choose your friends, if you let them choose you, you don’t know what you’ll get.



{April 11, 2014}   Impulsiveness and commitment.

I have struggled to become a more social person and that requires me to be a impulsive person. A person who can more easily take things as they come. Someone who more easily watches things happen instead of being someone who needs to be in the middle. This has come from the past number of years, where I was the opposite. After I came out of my deep period of seclusion I wanted to take part in everything. I need to be in the middle of whatever I could volunteer for. And I volunteered for everything. The problem was that I was at a place in my life where I could hardly hold my own life together, let alone follow through on the things I had said I would.

There are three major things in my life that really changed the way I followed through on things, because most of my life if I said I would do it, I did. 1. I volunteered to go to Iraq and volunteered for a second back to back tour. 2. I volunteered to be the durable power of attorney for my grandmother. 3. I volunteered to be the personal representative for my biological father’s estate. It’s not that I regret doing these things. It’s that people, people I trust told me not to do them.  Remembering the phrase about taking the harder road, I went against these people. I did okay in Iraq, made a few bad decisions with my grandma and finishing my fathers estate was like pulling teeth and the lawyer was the dentist with-out Novocaine.

The power of attorney for my grandma and my fathers estate overlapped. I entered into a very deep depression. I isolated myself from everybody. When I began to emerge or wake up as I like to think of it I found a few groups that excepted me and so I began to volunteer for things to get me out. To meet people. It went okay for a while, but then it just got really bad. I ended up not following through on anything. There were a few years, I would begin something and then just disappear. Like my blogs, Mary Kay and many other things. I’d start something work on it for a while and then disappear.  A little over two years ago I decided to stop, and I did. Kind of.  I don’t want to drop the ball anymore and when I say I will do something I want to follow through. The best way to do that is to not say I’m going to do anything. To live completely in the moment. To live impulsively rather than planning out what I will do for the weeks ahead. This is why I had a hard time my last few semester in school. Taking class requires a person to be able to plan ahead and it is also why I can’t budget my money.

Now, I’ve learned a lot about socializing. Volunteering is only a small piece of that puzzle. I’ve wanted to start doing things again for other people. So I need to find ways of following through on my commitments. But this is a hard thing for me to get back to after a decade of me avoiding responsibility. A year ago I was asked to be on a mission comity, I’ve gone to a few meetings, but I’m scared of taking on anything. This blog, work and Bikurup are the only things that I’ve not given up on and there were a few times I was ready to give up writing for a career. It has just kept coming back to me. Thankfully. However this time is only due to me being unemployed for a long time. I didn’t want to write because it was heartbreaking when I felt the need to give it up last time and I don’t want to experience that again. But I’m at the point now that I need it back in my life. I need other things back in my life. My impulsiveness needs room for a bit of commitment.



{April 6, 2014}   Schedule

I’m working on a schedule for my blog, I’m a little more concerned about the bikeurope because this one appears to be taking on more of a journal shape and I don’t have a specific goal for this one. My posts here have been more frequent of late. But they are more impulsive, something bothering me, so I write about it.

I got the idea of making a schedule from The Daily Post, the other day. Hopefully the schedule gets me on track and blogging consistently on Bikeurope.com. I have a lot of things coming up, in my life that is relevant to the blog and I should have a lot to talk about. I’m so worried though that I’m going to quit writing again when I get a job as I have done so many times in the past.

I’ve tried many things to keep my motivation, telling myself I get to do something special or that I can’t do something I typically do but that usually ends up being a disaster for me. So I need diligence to keep it up. stay strong and when life gets hard. Push through.

 

Today I have two Kahlil Gibran quotes:

Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream.

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.



{April 4, 2014}   In The Moment.

I have a friend. She is always busy, she works full-time, plays multiple instruments, has a social life to be envied and still has time to look for and regularly apply for her dream job. I don’t know how she does it and when I’m with her she usually pulls me along in such a way that I forget to ask until I’m home alone and worried about whether that job is going to call me back, oh yeah she also started sending me job posting to help me look…

Part of my problem is that I subscribe to both Hulu and Netflix, so I spend an average of an hour or two a day watching stuff I frequently see a waste of time, but I can’t cut it out. The times I have my life gets so stressful I end up in a deep depression and can’t move from my bed except to take my dog outside, not for a walk, just outside because around the block is too hard. Another friend mentioned to me that he used to escape his stress in a similar way but he learned to manage it. I’ve research and experimented with the concept but never read or heard of something that really works.

How does one stay in the moment? How does one find the kind of motivation to do all those really great things? How does one learn to manage their stress vs escaping it? I would love to learn to play piano, I have keyboard and could learn but I get stuck on a series on Hulu and feel I can’t escape it because trying will lead to a deep depression and the giving up of everything.



{April 1, 2014}   Tired of not having a Vehicle

Well actually that is not true, I’m tired of that being an excuse for people not to hire me… I just got off the phone with a potential employer because I was not able to get past a  point on an application that required insurance information. The biggest part of the question is that I don’t want to own a car. I mean I want to be able to get around better, a scooter would typically do that, however this morning there was ice on the ground and using a bike of any type would have been difficult and dangerous but the lifestyle I desire for myself doesn’t have room for a car. I’ve gotten around fairly well for over a year with out one, though I might have lost one “friend” because of it.

I might have to give in to it and buy something though, but how am I to do that when nobody will hire me. I tell them I have reliable transportation, because my bike has done very well for me, but when it comes to needing a car I’m screwed.



{March 29, 2014}   CNA/NAR Now what.

I completed my NAR certification a month ago. I’ve been looking for work since October. I’ve had only a few interviews. Received rejection letter after rejection letter. I don’t want to give up on it because when I work in this field I find myself to be a better person then when I am normally. But I don’t know if that is real. I am kept so busy at those times I don’t have time to reflect. What is real is that the periods of time when I make money writing and doing other odd jobs to supplement writing I’m a happier person. I’m not consistent at writing, often think I have horrible grammar and can’t hardly spell, but in reality it is what I really, really want to do. Nursing assistant was something I tried after being unemployed for six months a few years ago. I enjoyed it, and after life happened I chose it. The easy paycheck. Being a caregiver over the writing. I’ve done it a few time since then. I loose my jobs for what ever reason, I start to write. I get a job, something in my life gets in the way and I quit writing. Most of the time it is not even a time-consuming thing that gets in the way, just something the demoralizes me. The first one was HUGE. I tried so hard to stick with the writing but the stress just got to be too much and that kind of stress will probably happen again. Though it has gotten easier and easier for the stress to get to me and for me to give up on the writing. I allow myself the excuse that I have my whole life to write. What is it if I quit for a month here or two months there. It’s happiness.

 

If you choose between two evils, let your choice fall on the obvious rather than the hidden, even though the first appears greater than the second.

Kahlil Gibran



{January 28, 2014}   CNA/NAR

A week ago I started taking classes to become a nursing assistant in hopes of getting a better job. Is going okay, I’m still motivated to study but I’m terrified that will become harder to keep up with. I need to do well. I must get good grades.



The new year is a good time to make changes in the way a person lives their life. I mean like the spring I think the new year signifies birth and beginning a new, but I’m always working on myself trying to make me a better person. One that more closely resembles the image I have created in my head. All year long I work to realize myself. I don’t want to pick one day every year to evaluate and to make changes to my personal goals. It does happen that goals are evaluated on days. Days like my birthday, independence day, labor-day or thanksgiving (and yes those are in order) but all of those are relatively arbitrary days chosen by our society to signify things important to us for other reasons and holding one of those days above the rest is setting yourself up for failure and I often want to tell people and sometimes do.

The thing is that I stop at least once a week and look at who I am and what I have done to either move forward or what I have done that moved me backwards. I don’t dwell but being aware of subtle changes makes moving in the right direction easier and gives me more confidence because I know week to week where I’ve been successful.



{December 27, 2013}   Something I don’t understand

I just had a conversation with my sister about somebody and this situation really hurt her feelings so it is not something I can ask her without her feeling like I’m taking another person’s side. I’ve googled this question repeatedly and gotten nothing to help me understand. so I’m going to ask the world if they can explain

For more than two years I’ve been hearing people talk about how annoying it is to talk to somebody and have them pull out their cell phones send a text and carry on the conversation like nothing happened. Sometimes the same people who I have seen do it to me. A person will pull out their phone read a text, sometimes laugh send a reply and then carry on the conversation like it never happened. A week or month later that person will go on for 25 minutes about how somebody did it to them and they felt it was disrespectful.

Am I desensitized to it because I used to be so desperate for friends that I was able to dismiss that type of behavior as normal? I never used to do it, but after hearing one particular friend go on about it several times she did it to me. I called her on it but it was dismissed, so I did it somewhat consciously a little later and I started to do it occasionally though lately it has been harder because I haven’t been able to keep my prepay phone in service, so it is just being used as an internet/ google voice phone and it only works while connected to a wifi and it seem to be only about 75 percent of wifi’s let my android connect to them. Anyways the situation with her made me feel like; hey this is what I should do. it was months before I heard NPR talk about it and much longer before I heard others. So the other day I connect to my brothers WIFI I receive a text and I thought I sent one. Though my phone has no memory of me sending it and an hour later my phone wouldn’t connect. I found this upsetting because I was missing a few friends really bad and just wanted to exchange a text or two about how their days were going. I couldn’t and this upset me. I spent an hour trying to fix it, logged into my brothers router and missed a really great outing with my nephews as a result. I was somewhat conscious of how antisocial I was being with my family  but I wanted to send a text to make sure my friends were still alive and okay so bad that I didn’t care if I missed out on a few conversations with the family that has ignored me off and on for years.

I typically feel like either a person is trying to teach me that it is okay or that it isn’t. I think in general it is okay for somebody to do it. Middle of a funeral or a serious talk about a relationship NO, gossiping about the annoying dog that lives across the street or spending an entire day with your family for a holiday celebration and yes, send that funny reply to that text you received two hours ago. What is wrong with that? I can’t stick with one conversation for more than a few minutes anyways so the way I see it is that it gives me the ability to stay on topic longer by taking a small break in the middle of something else.

 



{December 26, 2013}   I finally tried Gogurt!

It was delicious. I’m home for Christmas visiting my parents and extended family. I’ve been here for days with little to do but hunt for jobs online and the new browser game called Forge of Empires I got addicted to. anyways this feels more like a facebook status than a blog post but at least it is a post.



et cetera
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