Living Authentically 2

A few weeks ago I mentioned how I have not been a reliable person for the last few years. How I’ve let myself and others down repeatedly. I used to consider myself a reliable person, I would say something and follow through on it. After I realized it was almost like I couldn’t I began to not take on any responsibility. I began to just do nothing, I would not commit to hanging out with friends or family, If someone wanted me to volunteer somewhere I would find some excuse to not, even when I wanted to.

I have realized that a person should be a little choosy, if you want to be successful you should want to do something enough that you would pass up other things to accomplish it and then put some blinders on.

 

Success comes from taking action. And the only time I’ve taken action to get something big is when I convinced myself I had no other option. #PenelopeTrunk #quote

 

 

I had this post done,  but my network card stopped working and when I clicked update, for the auto post I lost it. so this is a  jumbled mess.

I signed up for classes I never attended, I think I only passed a few classes because my instructors liked me. and though I was never late for a class I couldn’t show up to work on time, after a while I couldn’t do social things on time either friends started to sick of it. and I began to loose the few friends I had worked so hard for but I couldn’t get myself to stop being such a flake. Last year. Last year I worked as a nursing assistant and had medical benefits that paid for a surgery I needed. I was assured I had a job when I came back off medical leave but because I worked for the company for less than a year they filled it and I’ve been unemployed since. I feel like they burned me. but that is crazy people don’t actually do that do they, I mean it is illegal…. Okay so I got hurt really bad from someone not following through and now I see, I can not be that kind of person anymore. since then I have completed a certification for being a nursing assistant. restarted a business, I had forgotten why I ‘d started and given up on on it about a year earlier.

I’m trying to hold myself together I don’t think I’m succeeding.  I just want to watch damages.

 

Which brings me to Jim Carrey’s speech again. he said it doesn’t matter what you promise you can worry about your follow through later. but go a head and ask the world for it.

 

 

I avoided Responsibility but it’s time to embrace all of me.

When platitudes become useful.

I like quotes, check out my twitter, it’s the only writing I’ve been doing all month, hopefully in the future I can bring the blog and twitter together and post related topics but for now… I like quotes, and I like song lyrics, when I see something or I’m experiencing some kind of strife I like learning there is one other person who has similarly struggled. But they are not always helpful, some of them are old and cliché, others just express the wrong idea. But I’ve come to believe the ones that stand out or are useful are the ones that are grabbing at an idea in your subconscious. So why do some make me see red?

God will not give you more than you can handle.

Where everybody knows your name.

Tonight I spent a little time at the local eagles club. They have great specials and I know a few people who hang out there most weeks. Tonight there were a bunch not there but I went with another friend but it was a great time because I’ve only been there 3 times but I knew a large group. In my post about learning to socialize I said go to the coffee shops, and of coarse I am saying hangout in coffee shops, pubs, bars, wherever you can sit with just a glass of water and not get hassled to leave because your not spending money. I did drop a few dollars on 50 cent tacos for my friend and I plus a few beers a piece. but it is great running into people you know. Now there are several things that went into this exchange from tonight, a few people I know from college 5 years ago. the friend I went there with and wife, one from a new years party two years ago who hangs out all the time at a place I volunteer at at least once if not three times a week from which there were a few others there.  I had a great time, talking about mutual hobbies / volunteer work over cheap tacos and beers. That is what socializing is all about bringing together several of the tools to combat loneliness, What a great realization. Especially after that week.

Living Authentically

In 2008-2009 I made some pretty major life changing, life transitioning changes. I decided I was going to living my life for myself and no longer living the life people around me expected me to live. I discarded the life people believed I was supposed to live. Part of it was the understanding that it was their belief not mine. But most of it was just that I needed to break free. Shortly after moving forward I met the man that would become my sisters husband. He told me he liked me because “you’re real,” he said, “that some people can’t handle that and you need to remember that that’s their problem not yours.” I thought I was living authentically.

Before Easter when someone talked about living authentically I would have thought they were talking about living the life you have envisioned for yourself. Living a unique life one that is 100% your’s. The pastor at a church I regularly attend changed my perception of it. He talked about how Jesus’s raising from the dead was his way of proving who he was. It was him proving he was living authentically the whole time it was him showing the world he could follow through on his promises. Regardless of whether you are religious in anyway what needs to be extracted is the idea of following through no matter the cost.

I used to consider myself a reliable person. I used to follow through on everything. I was either upfront with an “I don’t know if I can do it” statement or I would add 30 % to the time I thought it would take and hope I got it done in time. Then I started to wane a little. I looked around at the people I worked with, I looked at my fellow students, I thought about TV and movie characters and realized I don’t actually need to follow through on everything. One night I was talking to my sister about how bad I felt about something I had not done. She yelled at me saying “how dare you think your better than us” I said I didn’t think I was, but she continued it was presumptuous to hold myself to a higher standard then others and even think I could follow through all the time. So foolishly listened and I stopped. I meant to only do it for a short time. To give myself a failure here and there, not that big of a deal. Except it got a little out of control.

I continued down the path of living my own life but still not following through on elements of that life. I backed out of really important things, in really bad ways, things that could have led to careers, good ones. Ones that I would enjoy more than anything I’ve done other than what I’ve been doing for the last two months.

 

There is a lot more to say about this, But I’m not sure what to add.

When all the knowledge doesn’t help.

There is an internet meme that floats around every once in a while about how crying doesn’t mean you are not strong but instead it means how you have been strong for too long. I’ve struggled with depression. I’ve been in therapy for years to learn how to manage it. But I still struggle. Sometimes a lot. I’m on meds, but the meds only take the edge off. They are not like flipping a switch where suddenly hey I never feel depressed again. The years of therapy have given me tools to use to help to fight the depression, tools to keep me moving when I am depressed and but sometimes I still just need to separate myself from everybody and just hide for a bit.

So this post started because I’ve gone through another depressive state. it was a little over two weeks in length. I want to blame some specific stuff that may be talked about in another post but it didn’t matter that I have the tools that I have. I was tired of using them. I needed a break from the social life I’m building. So that is what I did. I got addicted to a TV show on crackle.com binged on it. spent too much time playing browser games and barely had the energy and time to follow through on a few job postings and interviews, some of which probably had to do with a horrible diet.

The other day I was with a friend who was approaching this stage herself, and it really struck me. I never would have thought of her as being somebody who needed to do that. She has always appeared to the be a person who could endlessly socialize. She later told me that it happens to her every once in awhile and she just needs to find a corner to hide in and paint her toe nails or read some poetry. She has been dealing with this a lot longer than I have and can recognize it better than I can so she appears to be able to curb it before it gets to the point of disappearing for a week.

It’s not that the knowledge doesn’t help it’s that this is another tool that needs to be thought about and used. A person, every person needs alone time. I suddenly don’t know why this feels like a new idea to me. I ques it is just the relationship between the ideas of I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’m just going to choose a few unhealthy activities to get me through. The problem for me is often the unhealthy activities I choose end up resulting in a deeper and longer lasting depressed period. So, I need to develop better or more controllable escapes, and possibly need to schedule them.  Did something like this happen in may?